What is He Waiting For?

So as you know, I’ve been happily dating for a while now! Nothing too serious with any one person but just dating in general. And actually, the term "dating" may not be broad enough. There’s only one person that I’m seeing with any consistency; that I actually make plans with and carve out time for but there are others that I just “talk to”. You know a little conversation /G-chat here or dinner and a movie there! Very casual, very friendly—nothing physical—just getting to know you! But the reason it’s so causal is because no one is READY!!!

When I say ready, I am talking about ready to lock it down and create something special. All of them talk about love and wanting a wife someday, etc…but none of them are actually ready to DO anything to about it—and I am baffled by this. Now see, please understand that I do not date young boys. I date men, over thirty! Now the young ones are fun and cute and I do have fantasies of becoming a PUMA…but I digress, I date men 30 and over because I expect them to be stable and pass that playboy state. But boy have I been wrong! Almost every man that I know, just friend or future foe, all sing the same damn song—I’m just not ready for a girlfriend right now! And to that I say, “What exactly are you waiting for?”

Seriously, I understand that some mean may be at a crossroads. They may not have a job in this tough economy, just got out of a long term relationship, or they are working out their sexual orientation—and to those men I give a pass! Do you! Go ahead and get yourself together! But for ALL of the other over 30, single, employed, straight brothas out there with a good woman waiting in the wings—What are you REALLY waiting for?

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a theory on this! I say to my girls all of the time, You have to catch a man when his light is on (SATC reference)—just like a cab, but you better be on the lookout for that busted wheel and bent up fender! These men out here are riding their singleness until the wheels fall off!

Think about it, men love women; better yet they love the attention they get from women! As long as that attention is coming in droves, they are not fixing to settle down. Men that I have conversed with say things like, “I’m waiting until at least 35 to get married.” Why? Do they think that miraculously by that age they’re going to be tired of "new booty"? No, it is because they know by that age they are less likely to be getting the same attention! They are waiting until the 11th hour of their sexy! They are not waiting until the well of beautiful women runs completely dry, but they are waiting for the trickledown effect! These men know when they are not getting as many numbers as they once were on Friday nights! They notice when that handsome young 23 year old stud, who may even play in the NFL, starts to pluck from their tree. This is when they get scared and realize they can’t have ‘em all! <--Drake done lied to them!

So to put it bluntly, these men are waiting until they get FAT, BALD, and/or just plain UGLY before they hang it up! I know some will disagree but I have a prime example. This guy, big time playboy and local IT man about town, that I used to be head over heels for has recently started contacting me again. I thought that it was odd when he called out of the blue but I was happy to hear his voice. We decided to meet up for cocktails, and as soon as he came around that bend, I saw exactly why he was so eager to catch up with me! He looked old enough to be his own father! He had gained a few pounds in the abdomen area, was clearly suffering from male pattern baldness that he had the audacity to try and hide with a comb over (black man no-no), and he was graying in the beard! Now to understand how disturbing this is and how hard it must be for him swallow, you have to understand that this man has been FINE his whole life! Never had a problem with the ladies, was prom king, most popular, class president and homecoming king in both high school and college. When I was hanging on to his every word about 5 years ago, just hoping he would choose me to be his girl, he told me that he wasn’t settling down until he was 40. Well now that he is in his early 30s but looking more like 45, he has changed his tune!

See, not to pat myself on the back but I am appreciating with the years and so are many of my girls! While we are growing into our grown woman sexy fashionista selves, (MAC, fly party dresses, and regular trips to the salon) some of these men are getting cornered in a dark alleyway by Father Time! And when that happens, that is when they want to start grabbing on to the women who have loved them through all of those BS mackadocious, I-don’t-want-a-girlfriend-right-now years! But is that really fair to us! Why do we only get him after he has lost his hair, lost his six pack, and lost his teenage, barely-legal girlfriend? But has gained 2 kids, an ex wife, crazy baby mama, family court debt, overall drama and a grumpy disposition! Ain’t that some ish!!!

But there us women are, open arms and loving that man, whenever he is finally ready! Damn, men got it good…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

2010 (Love) Lessons Learned

So I know that it is the 3rd week of 2011 but believe it or not I am still reflecting upon some important lessons I learned in 2010 and the past decade as a whole—love lessons. I went into last year with a mindset that “2010 is MY year…boom or BUST”. At the time I didn’t realize how much pressure I had put on myself. But even through the ups and the downs of 2010, I take with me some valuable perspectives on love life, dating liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

THE FIRST LESSON: TRUE LOVE IS WORTH WAITING FOR

In a past blog post, I wrote about my big sis that got married for the first time at age 39. She is blissfully happy because she refused to compromise. Although, I hope Mr. Right finds me before another decade has passed us by, I know now that anything less than your heart’s desire is not worth it. It’s simply a waste of precious time that you could be using to prepare yourself—mind, body, and soul—for Mr. Right. Throughout the better part of 2010, I tried pushing a square peg into a round hole, or better yet, I pushed a round peg into a square hole. See, with the latter, it may seem to “fit” but in reality there is still vacant space that has yet to be fulfilled. And why would someone want to continue on in a relationship where they have to wonder every day, “Is this the day I’ll finally fall for this guy?” Well, men are not mushrooms; they shouldn’t just ‘grow’ on you like a fungus! In my firm opinion, there should be an initial spark of attraction. This spark should draw you in and intrigue you enough to elicit some type of response—this is passion. If you don’t have it, and you enter into a relationship with trepidation, you are likely to fail! Point-blank period! The fear of that ticking biological clock should not be your sole decision maker! True love has to be worth at least an exercise in patience.

THE SECOND LESSON: BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO BUT DEAL BREAKERS ARE NECESSARY

In 2010, I’ve had to bid adieu to a couple of would-be relationships—the second more difficult than the first. Even though we were only dating and not “official” yet, I really was starting to open myself up to the idea of US. He is a great guy despite the fact he is not formally educated and already has a child. Both these situations were previously so-called deal-breakers that I broke more than I enforced. But when I finally learned the meaning of a true deal-breaker, I let him go. See, notwithstanding the fact we had lots of fun together and he always made me feel safe, when I learned that he had great doubts about ever getting married yet wanted more children, I knew that there was no further growth for US. When a man speaks like this you have to take him at face value. Though there is a slight chance he may someday change his mind, I know I won’t wake up 2 years later as baby momma wondering if he will ever commit. I heard him loud and clear—he was not the one. In the words of Omarosa, “I’m sorry but you cannot close this deal!”

THE THIRD LESSON: THOU SHALL NOT COVET THE SEEMINGLY PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS OF OTHERS

This is a biggie. As I entered into 2010, I would sit back and think of all the couples I knew and wondered what I was doing differently that caused me not to have a man like them. I compared my "serial bachelorette-ness" to my friends and acquaintances that seemed to have it all together, maintaining loving relationships for years, while I was lucky to even be on speaking terms with my guy after 6 months. But, as the tide changes, we learn that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. 2010 brought to light the demise of some of the very relationships that I thought were so rock solid, that I had many times wished to emulate with my guy. I have seen some of these people commit the most egregious acts against their partner—including blatant lies, disloyalty, and manipulation. Though all relationships are different the one consistent area is that people allow you to see only what they are comfortable with. Think about a time when you were going through it with your man; you tried to put up a strong united front, didn’t you? You only put the pictures up that showed you two laughing, smiling, and hugged up. Hell, even when you and your man finally called it quits, you probably didn’t change that status right away. Why? Because none of us want to fail in relationships and especially not for all to see! So my take away from this is, count your blessing. Everything happens for a reason and that reason is unique to you. If you are coveting someone else’s situation, be aware that you are wishing for the whole thing…the bad comes with the good. So, stay in your lane, keep your focus on you, and only desire to be a better woman for your very own Mr. Right!

And on an additional side note: Don’t let those in “the perfect couple” judge your single status. Sometimes, single folks have a tendency to be shut down when giving their opinion on love and made to feel embarrassed by the fact that they have yet another ex. Just because you are not in a couple doesn’t mean that you are fickle or can’t keep a man. Sometimes you should be congratulated for not sticking in a bad relationship just to prove a point. When dealing with the airs of the “perfect couple”, consider that quite often we single folks want to be them when all the while, they want to be free like us! Just a thought…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S. B.

A Fine Southern Gentlemen

Happy New Year All! Sorry for the long hiatus but I have really been busy lately! Some good busy and some stressful busy but busy nonetheless! I hope everyone had an eventful new year! I definitely did! I took my “talents” to the ATL and had a great time. I am trying to figure out why I am not currently living there! It was just a really refreshing to spend time with so many like minded folks!

During my time there I was most impressed with a gentleman I met! And I do mean gentleman in every sense of the word. He was not necessarily trying to get on me nor was I on him but that didn’t stop me from liking what I was seeing. It was reassuring to discover that Southern Hospitality really does exist! All these years I thought it was just the title of a Ludacris track—and a straight up myth! But lo and behold there are actually still some great and genuine brothers out there, mostly congregating in the region where that noticeably sexy slow drawl is prevalent, and they call themselves southern gentlemen.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to move south and scoop him up, I just like his style. In my last blog post, I wrote about the guy I’m currently seeing who also just so happens to be a southern gentleman that opens doors, makes you feel safe and secure, and knows how to court a woman but I met him under completely different circumstances—he was definitely trying to get at me! But, this guy, Mr. Southern Charm, he was thoughtful and considerate before he even laid eyes on me. He truly does nice things out of the goodness of his heart and it comes off so natural and sincere. He went out of his way to make sure that my girlfriend and I were comfortable and taken care of all weekend just because his best friend, who likes my girlfriend, asked him to.

On the night that we arrived, we went to a hotel room and waited for our fguy riend to get off work. Since my girl and I are out-of-towners, he asked Mr. Southern Charm to check on us and make sure we were straight and didn’t need anything. Not long after we got there, we heard a knock on the door and in comes Mr. Southern Charm with all our favorite beverages including champagne (Rosé of course), juice, water, and snacks. He apologized about not being able to stay long because he had somewhere to be but he still had a drink and conversed with us and asked us countless times if we needed anything at all. If one of us even tried to lift a finger, such as to get ice, he stopped us and said, “No, no, I got it. You just relax and enjoy yourself.” I thought he was sweet at that point but that was only just the beginning. He became our chauffeur for the weekend, never complaining once even though I came to find out he lived almost an hour away. The average guy does not go out of his way for women, especially ones he does not know.

The next day, at my sorority sister’s house, after we ate, he automatically helped clean up and took all of her trash out without anyone even thinking about it. I watched him go out of his way to carrying in all of our bags from car in the rain. He was my personal Fonzworth Bentley, holding an umbrella over my head and lifting me over puddles so my suede shoes didn’t get ruined. And the cherry on top of it all is that not only is he a gentleman but he is also learned, disciplined, and God-fearing. We had hours of stimulating conversation about everything from Apartheid to Zane novels. Being in his presence was just so…easy.

Who knew a friend of a friend of a friend would end up being the highlight of my trip!?! And like I said before, not because he was trying to get on me but because of the faith he restored in my when it comes to black men. Could it be true…there are good ones out there that know how to treat a lady whether or not they are trying to get in her pants??? Intelligent men with jobs, no kids, and spirituality are still available???? What!?! I’m shocked but pleasantly surprised! Now only if he didn’t live 700 miles away! Thank goodness I found a southern gentleman up North…now only if he didn’t live 2 hours away! Makes you begin to think there is something special in the water below the Mason-Dixon Line! Or maybe it is just a sign that I need to move in order to find true love! The things that make you go hmmm…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Just Be Cool!

So just when I think I have this whole dating thing figured out, I quickly find out that is not the case, AT ALL! I have created this air of confidence, which I really believed in, that says, “I am great and there is no way some guy can knock me off my square!” Well, right now my square is looking more like a triangle and I am teetering at the top trying to regain balance.

I have met, randomly while not looking, a guy that I really like—even though I hate to admit it for fear of sounding like a schoolgirl. When I first met him, I expected it to be a very casual friendship, but he has worked his way into my daydreaming so I know I’m in trouble. See, it hasn’t been all that long but our time together has been that good. When we part ways, I always anticipate our next date. He is crossing things off my checklist left and right. Cute—check! Smart—check! Funny—check! Successful—check! Family Oriented—check! No Kids and Straight—check CHECK!!! So even though I want to employ some nonchalant behavior towards this man, I can’t! I WANT HIM! Yes, I said it! I want him to myself for as long as I desire!

So here comes the issue, when do I allow these thoughts and feelings to be known? My whole life I have worked on timelines. Right now, me fancying him the way I do is not scheduled to happen until early-spring 2011. Plus, I vowed to not hype myself up over mere potential again. I am only interested in potential realized. And on top of it all, when I asked one of my married friends how she hooked her husband—they had a whirlwind romance that lead to an engagement in under a year—she told me that she was just that cool ass chick with him. She liked him, knew he was ripe for the picking, but she kept her composure at all times.

I am not one for games. If I like you then I want you to know it and if you like me back you are excited that I told you! However, her comments make a lot of sense. This man has told me what he wants out of life. These things include a wife, 2 kids, and a financially comfortable lifestyle. I want these things too and I am exactly his type from what he has described. He has also let me know about his timeline. He would like to be engaged by the time he finishes his residency which is in 2 years. So now that all the cards are on the table, I just have to make sure I get my books by playing smart and using my trump cards correctly. I cannot get ahead of myself.

With the New Year quickly approaching, I am starting to get that itch again—that another-year-closer-to-spinsterhood itch. I am yearning for something new and substantial, but sometimes when I get that taste for blood, I tend to salivate while readying myself to pounce upon my prey but if they see me, they’ll run before I can catch them. I don’t want to do this to him. I think we could have something significant if I can just BE COOL!!! If I can just continue to show him that easy breezy side of me he is so attracted to—that side that has caused him to refer to me the coolest woman he knows, that side that makes him call every single day and that entices him to drive up and down the highways to see me at every given turn; if I can just continue to stay even keel with my emotions, then I know that I can get him and keep his attention.

But, the question remains, how do I tame my anxiety when everything I want is within sight but just far enough out of my grasp to drive me crazy and have me all flustered inside? I have no good definite answer for this but what I do know is that men like women who are lighthearted, low on drama, can roll with the punches in and out of the sack, and who can let her hair down and enjoy a good beer and a good game from time to time and is sexy to boot! I can show him all those things if I just resist the need for speed and BE COOL!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Breaking a Recent Day Holiday Tradition

Thanksgiving is by far my favorite Holiday! I love the food, the Fall, the fellowship, and the football! I start in the kitchen the night before and wake up early to get that bird fired up! I just love this time of the year and I have so much to be thankful for even though many times I forget!

So a few weeks ago when I posted an open request for topics to write about and a reader suggested “…being single for the Holidays”, I knew that I had something to speak on. For the last 6 years, I have been cooking the entire thanksgiving feast for my mother and me. I have a small family and most of them are out of town. Since my college years my mom and I have decided to keep this holiday rather intimate. But, for the last 3 years in a row, I have been involved with some dude in the autumn season, be it serious or semi-serious, and I have invited them for each of the last 3 dinners. My mom has been gracious but in retrospect, I am sure she would have preferred for it to be just us.

Well, this year my mom will get the mother-daughter time she desires! It will be just us! Because even though I am currently dating, I have decided that I do not want my mother to meet anymore men that I’m not sure will be around for the next Thanksgiving or holiday period for that matter! Holidays are special and should be reserved for special people! I put a lot of effort and love it the food and the overall entertaining for thanksgiving and only people who are committed to being in my life for more than just a season should experience this day with me and the person I love most in this world, my mother.

As I think back on the Thanksgivings I have shared with others, it has hardly fit the fantasy I have. When I think of a happy life, I think of Thanksgiving Day! I have a Down Home with the Neely’s type vision with my hunny and I prepping the food the night before drinking wine and sampling the desserts! Waking up early the next day, cooking breakfast for my husband and kids and then waiting for other family to come over! The ladies cooking and chatting in the kitchen, the kids playing outside, and the men watching football in the den! And every now and then my hubby comes into the kitchen stealing kisses and picking at the food as I swat him away! This is what I long and I have been silly to try and create some of that fantasy with my previous dinner guests! They have not been up to task and the results usually consists of my guy being glued to the TV, never getting up to come into the kitchen to see if I need anything, me cooking extra side dishes to please his picky eating taste, and my mom forgetting his name by Christmas!

So not this year! This year, I will be comfortable, not try to impress because my momma already knows I can throw down in the kitchen because, well, she taught me! I will hold onto my fantasy of sharing Thanksgiving with the loves of my life! Right now, no man in my life holds that spot! So while he is free to come over and help me indulge in some leftovers, I am saving the actual date for those that really love me and plan to share and be thankful with me for years to come!

Happy Thanksgiving All! I hope you are blessed to spend it with those you love!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Full Disclosure: Too Much Information!

I am of the belief that full disclosure is overrated and unrealistic in relationships. I am a very honest person but I definitely follow the Don’t Ask! Don’t Tell! policy when it come to dating. When I meet someone, I already assume that they have someone that they are either sleeping with or wants to be sleeping with them! I ask the most important questions up front! Married? Engaged? Serious girlfriend? Crazy stalker? But other than that I don’t want to know! At least not right now!

When it comes to male/female interaction, as one of my readers so eloquently put it, "People should naturally learn things about you as the relationship progresses." I feel this especially on the part of men. Many of them seem to have extremely fragile egos and they do not take the fact that they are just an option very well. Because they are competitive, they have to feel that they are the very best at all times.

In my opinion, there are two types of men out there. There are the ones that put you on a pedestal and considered you wife material very early on but the slightest notion that you are not perfect, i.e. you are single and dating not just him, causing him to flee. Then you have the ones that because they are competitive, they feel a need to “take” you from the next man. So the thought of you dating someone else only elevates their game—but not always for the right reasons. In my lifetime, I have dealt with both of these types of men leading me to my original sentiment—Full Disclosure is a hoax! No one really gives it or really wants it!

I once dated a guy that fell for me rather quickly. I like him too but we had only been talking for a few weeks and when I met him I was single with options and I wanted to finish exploring those and getting to know him better before I jumped right in! I told him that I think that we should continue to date for a little while longer before making it official because I like to make informed decisions not impulsive ones. He responded by suggesting that I clearly was seeing other people and that’s cool but I may later regret that decision! Now stop right there! I should have paid more attention and questioned him about this statement but I let it slide and we continued to date!

About 2 month later, I had really fallen for this guy. We had shared some great times together. We had laughed together, had deep conversation about the future and we even supported each other’s work. I helped him do some promotions for his business venture and he gave me some excellent professional advice. We were a power team and well on our way to a healthy relationship…so I thought! When we revisited the topic of US, he promptly and in no uncertain terms, let me know there was no US! He proceeded to explain that the moment I eluded to the fact that I may have been seeing other people, he no longer wanted a serious relationship with me. He felt that I obviously didn’t see him for the good man he was, and since I thought I could do better than that is what I should do!

Now, for that record, I think that is some BS! He was spoiled and immature and he lost out, which he later admitted to! But that right there was a lesson learned. Though people are charged with the weight of being rational, feeling and emotions are NOT! He could rationally see that I was not wrong for dating other people considering we had just met but his EGO was still bruised and he could not bring himself to get over the feeling of “being played.” I stopped looking like the “perfect” pedestal worthy princess when he thought about other men sharing my time!

The other type of guy that I once dated totally got off on the fact that there was someone else in the picture! This was more recently, so at this time, I did not do the whole full disclosure thing but he asked me point blank! So I gave him an honest answer—YES!—and that was the extent of my detail. Well, this man took that yes as a personal challenge. At the time, it seemed great! He sent flowers, called every day, planned dates, etc. Every now and then he’d check in on my status with “other dude.” The more he knew, the harder he’d try and finally he had done enough to sweep me off my feet while the other guy was really falling off. Finally, he had me! And then the dates dwindled, the flowers died, and I was left with the guy that was only in it for the competition!

So people please listen to me when I say this! Be careful with YOUR business! Not just the who you are dating business but everything! What you think about, what you’ve done in the past, what you regret, what you are sensitive about, and what makes you cry! People are listening and making note! Not all people are good people and can be trusted with that information! I would hate to see those private moments thrown back in your face just because someone once told us when we were young that "honesty is the BEST policy!" Well that sounds good in nursery rhymes but in my book honesty is just ONE policy!

Now please don’t go around saying that The S.B. promotes lying, sneaking, and hiding because I don’t! I promote revealing yourself slowly, giving relationships an opportunity to develop! Throwing TMI (too much information) around all willy nilly never helped anybody! If you give a relationship a chance grow strong then maybe when you reveal some secrets***, the relationship will then be solid enough to withstand that impact! What are your thoughts?

Thank you for taking this journey with me!


—The S.B.



***DISCLAIMER: I am referring to secrets such as dating history, sexual history especially if you and who are talking to aren’t having sex yet, financial history, etc! If your secrets are of a certain magnitude like sex change, currently pregnant, live with your EX, etc. You need to disclose that right away!

She’s Getting Married. And, I Am Truly Happy for Her…

Now I know you all are waiting for the anticipated big BUT! And you are right, there was one implied! However, let me first say that my best friend, The Doc, is getting hitched and I am so ecstatic for her. When it comes to discussion about the impending nuptials, we have tried to predict it, we’ve prayed upon it, and damn near completely planned it all before the question was popped! You should know, I love my friend and anything that brings her joy, I will always support! So when she told me that her and her Honey Do were “taking it to the next level”, I jumped for joy, sang a song, and shed a tear because I know how much she loves this man!

They have been together for about 5 years. They have built together, shared together, pursued degrees, careers, and dreams together. They are truly a great match! She is crazy (yeah I said it), sassy, quick witted, and sometimes too damn smart for her own good but he knows how to handle her. At times he turns this strong and stubborn woman into a giggling giddy little girl and in those moments, I can’t help but to dream I one day find a connection like that! The two of them are the picture of Love and I am honored to stand with them before God to witness!

With that being said, I am sure you are all wondering when the big BUT will make an appearance! And here it is…I am truly happy for her BUT I am also a little saddened—and not for the typical reasons one may think. As I have stated in past blog posts, I have never been more comfortable in my single skin than I am now. I happily single and having a blast on my journey! So please believe me when I say this is not about jealousy. This is about letting go…of an era…

I understand that she is not going anywhere physically but in October 2011, I have say 'goodbye' to Miss Maiden Name and 'hello' to the new Mrs. /Dr. Hyphenated Surname! And it will be hard letting that go! Who is this new Mrs./Dr. Hyphenated Surname? I am sure she is just as awesome! But, will she have the same time for me and the other single gals she’s waving goodbye to as the “Just Married” cans flop behind her getaway car?

What will marriage change, if anything? This will not be the first time a close friend has gotten married, but with each “I Do”, no matter how much joy I feel for the happy couple, a small part of me mourns the loss of a sister circle member. I’m left wondering how many more road trips to the beach we have. Can we still do those impromptu girls weekend where we party it up, flirt to get free drinks? What happens to those single girl rants about how MEN AIN’T ISH! Can she still chime in even though she done found her Mr. Right? And what comes after marriage…baby…will I, as a single woman, be able to relate? When we were 20-something-tweeners, fresh out of college, we thought we’d be doing this all at the same time! We’d marry, have babies the same age, and take family vacays together! When the plan falls through, what happens to us girls pulling up the rear?

I really hope not to sound selfish in this post because anyone who knows me knows that is far from the truth. I am just having a sensitive moment thinking back on all we’ve come through over the years. The thought of not being able to get together at the drop of a dime, with no responsibilities, just reminds me that we are getting older and it is time to adapt. My true friends understand that my friends are my family. And with family, you want to preserve them just the way they are at those perfect moments! Whenever all my girls are together, laughing, talking, and sharing our plans for the future without a care in the world, those moments are golden and I want to freeze frame them! But, I appreciate that life and love must go on! It is time for me to pass the baton to her new best friend… her husband!

Just remember, Doc, I always have your back and the fun doesn’t stop here…hyphenated last name and all! I love you and wish you nothing but joy and laughter for the rest of your life! You are in good hands because that man really loves you! May God Bless your union!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.