2010 (Love) Lessons Learned

So I know that it is the 3rd week of 2011 but believe it or not I am still reflecting upon some important lessons I learned in 2010 and the past decade as a whole—love lessons. I went into last year with a mindset that “2010 is MY year…boom or BUST”. At the time I didn’t realize how much pressure I had put on myself. But even through the ups and the downs of 2010, I take with me some valuable perspectives on love life, dating liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

THE FIRST LESSON: TRUE LOVE IS WORTH WAITING FOR

In a past blog post, I wrote about my big sis that got married for the first time at age 39. She is blissfully happy because she refused to compromise. Although, I hope Mr. Right finds me before another decade has passed us by, I know now that anything less than your heart’s desire is not worth it. It’s simply a waste of precious time that you could be using to prepare yourself—mind, body, and soul—for Mr. Right. Throughout the better part of 2010, I tried pushing a square peg into a round hole, or better yet, I pushed a round peg into a square hole. See, with the latter, it may seem to “fit” but in reality there is still vacant space that has yet to be fulfilled. And why would someone want to continue on in a relationship where they have to wonder every day, “Is this the day I’ll finally fall for this guy?” Well, men are not mushrooms; they shouldn’t just ‘grow’ on you like a fungus! In my firm opinion, there should be an initial spark of attraction. This spark should draw you in and intrigue you enough to elicit some type of response—this is passion. If you don’t have it, and you enter into a relationship with trepidation, you are likely to fail! Point-blank period! The fear of that ticking biological clock should not be your sole decision maker! True love has to be worth at least an exercise in patience.

THE SECOND LESSON: BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO BUT DEAL BREAKERS ARE NECESSARY

In 2010, I’ve had to bid adieu to a couple of would-be relationships—the second more difficult than the first. Even though we were only dating and not “official” yet, I really was starting to open myself up to the idea of US. He is a great guy despite the fact he is not formally educated and already has a child. Both these situations were previously so-called deal-breakers that I broke more than I enforced. But when I finally learned the meaning of a true deal-breaker, I let him go. See, notwithstanding the fact we had lots of fun together and he always made me feel safe, when I learned that he had great doubts about ever getting married yet wanted more children, I knew that there was no further growth for US. When a man speaks like this you have to take him at face value. Though there is a slight chance he may someday change his mind, I know I won’t wake up 2 years later as baby momma wondering if he will ever commit. I heard him loud and clear—he was not the one. In the words of Omarosa, “I’m sorry but you cannot close this deal!”

THE THIRD LESSON: THOU SHALL NOT COVET THE SEEMINGLY PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS OF OTHERS

This is a biggie. As I entered into 2010, I would sit back and think of all the couples I knew and wondered what I was doing differently that caused me not to have a man like them. I compared my "serial bachelorette-ness" to my friends and acquaintances that seemed to have it all together, maintaining loving relationships for years, while I was lucky to even be on speaking terms with my guy after 6 months. But, as the tide changes, we learn that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. 2010 brought to light the demise of some of the very relationships that I thought were so rock solid, that I had many times wished to emulate with my guy. I have seen some of these people commit the most egregious acts against their partner—including blatant lies, disloyalty, and manipulation. Though all relationships are different the one consistent area is that people allow you to see only what they are comfortable with. Think about a time when you were going through it with your man; you tried to put up a strong united front, didn’t you? You only put the pictures up that showed you two laughing, smiling, and hugged up. Hell, even when you and your man finally called it quits, you probably didn’t change that status right away. Why? Because none of us want to fail in relationships and especially not for all to see! So my take away from this is, count your blessing. Everything happens for a reason and that reason is unique to you. If you are coveting someone else’s situation, be aware that you are wishing for the whole thing…the bad comes with the good. So, stay in your lane, keep your focus on you, and only desire to be a better woman for your very own Mr. Right!

And on an additional side note: Don’t let those in “the perfect couple” judge your single status. Sometimes, single folks have a tendency to be shut down when giving their opinion on love and made to feel embarrassed by the fact that they have yet another ex. Just because you are not in a couple doesn’t mean that you are fickle or can’t keep a man. Sometimes you should be congratulated for not sticking in a bad relationship just to prove a point. When dealing with the airs of the “perfect couple”, consider that quite often we single folks want to be them when all the while, they want to be free like us! Just a thought…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S. B.

Full Disclosure: Too Much Information!

I am of the belief that full disclosure is overrated and unrealistic in relationships. I am a very honest person but I definitely follow the Don’t Ask! Don’t Tell! policy when it come to dating. When I meet someone, I already assume that they have someone that they are either sleeping with or wants to be sleeping with them! I ask the most important questions up front! Married? Engaged? Serious girlfriend? Crazy stalker? But other than that I don’t want to know! At least not right now!

When it comes to male/female interaction, as one of my readers so eloquently put it, "People should naturally learn things about you as the relationship progresses." I feel this especially on the part of men. Many of them seem to have extremely fragile egos and they do not take the fact that they are just an option very well. Because they are competitive, they have to feel that they are the very best at all times.

In my opinion, there are two types of men out there. There are the ones that put you on a pedestal and considered you wife material very early on but the slightest notion that you are not perfect, i.e. you are single and dating not just him, causing him to flee. Then you have the ones that because they are competitive, they feel a need to “take” you from the next man. So the thought of you dating someone else only elevates their game—but not always for the right reasons. In my lifetime, I have dealt with both of these types of men leading me to my original sentiment—Full Disclosure is a hoax! No one really gives it or really wants it!

I once dated a guy that fell for me rather quickly. I like him too but we had only been talking for a few weeks and when I met him I was single with options and I wanted to finish exploring those and getting to know him better before I jumped right in! I told him that I think that we should continue to date for a little while longer before making it official because I like to make informed decisions not impulsive ones. He responded by suggesting that I clearly was seeing other people and that’s cool but I may later regret that decision! Now stop right there! I should have paid more attention and questioned him about this statement but I let it slide and we continued to date!

About 2 month later, I had really fallen for this guy. We had shared some great times together. We had laughed together, had deep conversation about the future and we even supported each other’s work. I helped him do some promotions for his business venture and he gave me some excellent professional advice. We were a power team and well on our way to a healthy relationship…so I thought! When we revisited the topic of US, he promptly and in no uncertain terms, let me know there was no US! He proceeded to explain that the moment I eluded to the fact that I may have been seeing other people, he no longer wanted a serious relationship with me. He felt that I obviously didn’t see him for the good man he was, and since I thought I could do better than that is what I should do!

Now, for that record, I think that is some BS! He was spoiled and immature and he lost out, which he later admitted to! But that right there was a lesson learned. Though people are charged with the weight of being rational, feeling and emotions are NOT! He could rationally see that I was not wrong for dating other people considering we had just met but his EGO was still bruised and he could not bring himself to get over the feeling of “being played.” I stopped looking like the “perfect” pedestal worthy princess when he thought about other men sharing my time!

The other type of guy that I once dated totally got off on the fact that there was someone else in the picture! This was more recently, so at this time, I did not do the whole full disclosure thing but he asked me point blank! So I gave him an honest answer—YES!—and that was the extent of my detail. Well, this man took that yes as a personal challenge. At the time, it seemed great! He sent flowers, called every day, planned dates, etc. Every now and then he’d check in on my status with “other dude.” The more he knew, the harder he’d try and finally he had done enough to sweep me off my feet while the other guy was really falling off. Finally, he had me! And then the dates dwindled, the flowers died, and I was left with the guy that was only in it for the competition!

So people please listen to me when I say this! Be careful with YOUR business! Not just the who you are dating business but everything! What you think about, what you’ve done in the past, what you regret, what you are sensitive about, and what makes you cry! People are listening and making note! Not all people are good people and can be trusted with that information! I would hate to see those private moments thrown back in your face just because someone once told us when we were young that "honesty is the BEST policy!" Well that sounds good in nursery rhymes but in my book honesty is just ONE policy!

Now please don’t go around saying that The S.B. promotes lying, sneaking, and hiding because I don’t! I promote revealing yourself slowly, giving relationships an opportunity to develop! Throwing TMI (too much information) around all willy nilly never helped anybody! If you give a relationship a chance grow strong then maybe when you reveal some secrets***, the relationship will then be solid enough to withstand that impact! What are your thoughts?

Thank you for taking this journey with me!


—The S.B.



***DISCLAIMER: I am referring to secrets such as dating history, sexual history especially if you and who are talking to aren’t having sex yet, financial history, etc! If your secrets are of a certain magnitude like sex change, currently pregnant, live with your EX, etc. You need to disclose that right away!

The Same Page

This weekend was pretty chill for me. I spent the majority of it with RedBox movies and re-runs of Sex and the City on DVD! The movie, She’s Out of My League and one episode of SATC in particular inspired me to write this. In the movie, there is this beautiful woman that just came out of a relationship with a gorgeous guy that was her “type”. He hurts her pretty bad and that led her to dating a guy that she wasn’t that attracted to because she thought she would have better luck with an average Joe. In, the SATC episode, a friend of the girls was getting married to a guy that she once compared to watching paint dry. When the girls saw her at the wedding she whispered to them that you should always marry a man that loves your more than you love him. I started thinking, is this what I’ve been doing in my dating life? Am I purposely pursuing the average safe guy? If yes, why?

Sidebar: This is why I love blogging! It if forces me to be introspective! Even though it is tough most times, it really is enlightening.

While sitting back and reflecting on my single state, I realized that almost every man that I have dated since 2005 has liked me way more than I liked him. The few exceptions have been quite opposite, where I have been all giggly and starry eyed while they have been very indifferent! In that time I’ve had 2 serious relationships—one lasted almost two years and the other, we damn near lived together for about 7 months. The 2 year guy was a great person. He cared about me, did his best to care for me, and he respected me. The live-in boyfriend guy was the same way. Both of them had their issues, some major—who doesn’t—but they were good men, the type that parents dream their daughters would marry. And even though I was a devoted girlfriend that they could and would brag about to their friends, there still was no love connection—no passion, no FIRE—but nice and safe!

I had to confront myself on this issue of not choosing men that give me that "feeling". And as tough as it is to admit to myself, I have no other choice than to concede that it is undoubtedly a defense mechanism. I was subconsciously doing exactly what the ladies on film were doing—playing it safe, resisting all temptations to go “all in”!

In my lifetime, I can only think of 2.5 men that I was completely “sold out”, head over heels, for and all of them ended poorly. One was my high school sweetheart, the other was my dissipated soul mate in college, and the last was my first adult relationship with an older man. Each of has taught me so much about myself but they also left me with a skeptical outlook on relationships and the belief that being in love is overrated and/or impossible. My high school boyfriend dumped me before prom because he was battling with the aliens in his closet. (Yes aliens! He thought they were after him but that is a story for another time) My college soul mate was in flux when his now wife came back in the picture to reclaim him right in the middle of our love thing, so I laid low and lost. (His current state of marital misery doesn’t alleviate the sting) And my first, grown woman relationship was with an older man who told me so many lies that I, to this day, don’t really know how old he is or how many kids he actually has. (I count him as a half because of the lies) So, as you can see, I have a very limited experience with that sensation that makes you feel like nothing else matters when you are in his presence. To me, that feeling is what urban myths are made of.

Yet, when I conceptualize that “feeling”, it is exactly what I want! As I have written several times before, I just want to stop pretending. I am too old for the game playing. Seriously entertaining someone that is not what you ultimately want is a game for fools. I’ve wasted so much time playing make-believe—trying to create a Prince out of Frog. No matter how delightful the frog, he is still but a frog! At this point in my development, I just want to be on the same page with someone. Unfortunately, the chase can be fun but that gets old real quick. I just want someone that is loving me at the same time I am loving them and with the same intensity. I am looking to be equally yoked with someone beyond just the same level of education or similar incomes. I want us to enjoy spending time together and sharing common interest while still complimenting each other’s diversity. As the quote by Shinichi Suzuki goes…"when love is deep, much can be accomplished." All attempts made to maintain an imbalanced relationship is a huge waste and unhealthy. Instead, I want my man and me to spend that time conquering the world, if you will.

But now the question becomes, how do you know when you and your partner have reached that equilibrium? Especially when there are countless people out there, like me, the girl in She’s Out of My League, and the new wife in SATC, that will fake it until they make it. Some people will do anything to avoid their biggest fear of being hurt by the one they loved MORE.

In the movie she ended up actually falling in love with the Joe…but it was just that—a movie! However, I believe I can have my happy ending too! I just have to get out of my own way and turn the page!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

The S.B.