When Love Calls Your Name

A few weeks ago, I went to the beautiful wedding of my close friend that I consider my big sister. This wedding was long awaited for the bride, of course, and for her close family and friends that have been with her through several would-be relationships that never amounted to much.

On the night before the wedding, I got to sit down with her to talk about her fiancé and their courtship, the EX that I thought she would marry, her son, and all the crazy details in between. The question I wanted her to answer most was, “how did you know he was the one?”

In all seriousness, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Girl…When Love calls your name…you listen!” She explained that she had built up a wall over the years and he came in and destroyed it! This is hard to do because Big Sis is a beautiful, confident, talented, and sassy woman! She is also bossy as hell! She knows this about herself and when she spoke of their romance she mentioned that in the beginning she had tried to ‘overpower’ him and he quickly but respectfully shut that down. She heard love calling right then.

As she talked, I began to smile. I smiled because I was so happy for her but my smile also disguised the wheels turning in my head. See, as she chatted I was calculating. I was calculating her age against mine, her dating experiences verses mine, her love timeline to mine. And as I listened to her recap and summarize her season, more like ERA, of singleness, I ran the numbers in my head, and came to the conclusion that MY love life is on a similar trajectory as hers; for a moment I was saddened. I know you wonder why I would be sad considering her story is ending with love and marriage, but let consider a few things, shall we…

Big sis is a full 10 years older than me, making her 39! This was her second engagement but first marriage. She has one child, from a previous long term relationship with the man I always thought she would marry. As I stated before, she is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and she is very successful in both her professional and personal endeavors. She is funny, witty, and sociable. And the two of us agreed a long time ago that I’m just like her just 10 years removed! So now that you have this background, maybe you can understand why I was taken aback by the revelation that her path to the altar was a very long one.

Truth is, I DON’T WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG FOR LOVE TO CALL MY DAMN NAME! I am not trying to make a case for settling, but it’s hard to ignore the facts. At the wedding, there was a tradition among friends for the most recent bride to present the current bride with a wedding bell and pearls of wisdom pertaining to marriage. This was very sweet, but the most recent bride was significantly younger than my big sis. Hell, I am pretty sure she was younger than me too! When the recent bride gave her pearls of wisdom, she spoke on how my big sis had actually mentored her and had given her pearls to live by! Isn’t that the way it should be? Shouldn’t the older person be the one speaking from the position of experience? I know this isn’t always the case, but I became uncomfortable with the sidebar conversations amongst the crowd that clearly illustrated that everyone had noticed that my big sis had definitely waited longer than expected to become a MRS; too long by some accounts! The word “finally” was used more that night than the bride and groom’s names combined!

Another thing to consider is the fact that I want children! I want to have them BEFORE I am 35. I realized that that is not a drop dead age but I want to be an active mother. My Big Sis had her son at 34 and I at times wonder if that actually made it easier for her to wait for Mr. Right instead of forcing feelings with the father. I say this only because once she managed ‘co-parenting’ her son without old boy being a husband, she felt no pressure to settle for less than her heart’s desire. I don’t feel I have the option of not worrying about my future partner because I cannot imagine having a baby without a husband. Even though I know in my heart of hearts in can be done since I know some dynamic single moms that sacrifice and make it happen every day! My mother is a testament to that but the truth is, it would have been a hell of a lot easier with some help!

So now I am caught is a conundrum…to settle or not to settle, that is the question! Do I settle with a reliable guy that is cool but doesn’t give me that fever? Do I go with that safe guy that will make a good business partner because I know he will be a decent father and provider? Do I settle down right now with an OKAY guy so I won’t be looked at as too picky and just another black successful unmarried woman statistic? Or do I wait until love calls my name? I believe a case could be made for either. People have gotten married for less right…

But as I seat in my pew, I was brought to tears after hearing the vows that Big Sis prepared for her husband promising not only to love and keep him but to love his children as her own, she trusts him and is willing to follow him to the ends of the earth. She thanked his mother for raising him to be a loving, caring, devoted, and passionate man! At that moment, I had the answer! I had witnessed pure unadulterated LOVE…and I’d wait forever for that…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.