29 Things I Am Just Too Old to be Doing at Age 29!

I was having an IM conversation with my bestie the other day about men, life, work, men...and I noticed that one phrase in particular continued to resurface throughout our chat. Both her and I had used it so nonchalantly at least 5 times each! The words "I am too old to be..." definitely got the most key strokes that day.

My bestie and I are both 29! Both single and we both believe in an idyllic romance leading to love. And We both wanted this yesterday! Unfortunately, it seems to have eluded us in our 29 years.

So our conversation got me to thinking...what are the things that I would have done and/or accepted in yesteryears that I just ain't doing at 29!?!

So I compiled a list of 29 things that I am too old to be doing at some damn 29 years old! They are in no particular order because they all fit the bill!

I AM TOO OLD TO BE...

1. Getting Pissy Drunk—It's just not cute! In your early 20s you can just blend in with other simple ass college students. But now, dancing on the bar to a Justin Beiber song just makes you look like that old pathetic bytch in the club that is past her prime. Men are not fittin' to wife that chick! Plus as I get older my alcohol tolerance seems to drop and I want to remember what my slick mouth said the next day!

2. In 'Text/SMS' Relationships—I am a fully GROWN woman, with some life experience, and I got too much too say for 160 characters! Plus my short txt game is trash and I barely know where the letters are on the keyboard! Look, if you really want to get to know me...call me...better yet, ask me out on a DATE!

3. Not Going On REAL Dates—I am too old for our first date and all subsequent dates to be at my place with a RedBox DVD you got for a $1.00! Creativity is a must! No one is asking for men to spend a milli for dates but can you guys think about it before you ask! Maybe a picnic, ride through the park on bicycles, horseback riding, or a candlelit dinner at a relatively unknown bistro! When we advance in our relationship a weekend at a bed & breakfast. Step your game up!

4. Dating Someone without A Car—I mean what are we doing here? This is not NYC and I live too far outside of the City to be carting you back and forth!

5. Shutting Down The Club—I highly doubt I am finding my soul mate at the 'Sexy Saturdays Pre-Church Jumpoff' anyway, but if I haven't seen a cutie by 1:00 AM...why am I waiting that extra hour for the let out? I need my beauty rest...

6. Discounting Men That Have Children—though I prefer that they don't, at this age it is damn near impossible. So if he can show himself to be a devoted father without having multiple baby mamas or a new born...why not at least considering giving him a chance?

7. Quiet About My Wants and Needs—what do I need to be shy for? I learned that if what I have to say scares you...you just aren't the one!

8. Receiving Phone Calls from Ex or Current Girlfriends—I do not have time to be nobody's mistress! I got too much going on to waste efforts all up on the phone validating somebody else's relationship. Please step to me drama free!

9. Playing Jealous Games—Please be secure! I tell people all the time, if you thought your significant other was fine when you met them, so do other people! If the issue is trust maybe you should find someone new!

10. Waiting By the Phone—If you are interested, you will call! If not, you will get deleted! But I refuse to spend another Saturday night convincing myself that today's the day you'll prove to be a man of your word! NEXT!

11. Sitting on Crates, Eating Off Paper Towels, Drinking Outta Jars—You are a grown man! Get some real furniture and china/glasses/silverware! A matching set is preferred! Thanks!

12. Waiting for Your 'Parents' to go on Vacay before I Can Spend the Night—enough said!

13. Dressing Slutty —Don't get me wrong... I got cleavage and it comes out from time to time but there is a difference between slutty and sexy! Gone are the days of the all black spandex everything! I'm a lady! So I dress the part!

14. With A Man That Doesn't Own A Suit—It's time to grow up! Men don't just go to the gym and bars...they also go to "functions"! Therefore, a 'man' should dress the part!

15. With A Man That Doesn't Even Attempt to Cook—It's selfish and lazy! If you can read and have thumbs, you can pick up a G. Garvin cookbook and attempt a meal!

16. Date A Man That Doesn't Even Know What His Credit Score Is—Romance is intimate with Finance! If you don't know you have bad credit how do plan to fix it? I don't want to have to be your underwriter...

17. Awkwardly Kissed—This is making out 101! Learn to kiss gently and seductively! If you are sloppy and licking my face all willy nilly, I will think you are just as careless with your 'mans and dem' (aka penis &testes)!

18. "Enjoying" Bad Sex—There's no future in fronting! Why do all the theatrics if you are uninspired? At this age, we should be able to talk to our partners cuz faking isn't helping either of you achieve!

19. Embarrassed To Talk About Sex—In this day and age you have to talk protection/birth control; your stance on pro life/pro choice; Gay/Straight/Bisexual; and your turn offs/turn ons! Why get caught out there looking stupid?

20. Believing in blue balls—LOL! I know you men will disagree but obviously it doesn't hurt that bad! Because, you were told you weren't getting any that night but you pursued anyway! If blue balls is real, men would stop dry humping!

21. Listening to Soulja Boy in Your Ride—and all the other wack rappers of today. A man's music collection tells me a lot about his maturity! If it is all b*tches, hoes, and stanky legs we are not compatible!

22. Giving People Multiple Chances—We broke up for a reason! Let's not forget that!

23. Waiting Until You Turn 35—I don't know why this is the magic settling down age for many men. But the older you get, the older I get! Either you want me or you don't! No amount of birthdays will change that!

24. Getting the Run Around—A direct question deserves a Direct Answer! Period!

25. Pretending— I can only be my authentic self...no representative! I wouldn't want you to think I'm a stranger later!

26. Begging—I will state what I want once! Maybe one reminder...after that I'm done!

27. In Competition with Your Boys—I think time apart is important! Please go play ball with your friends! But if I'm always battling Pookie and dem for the shotgun position, I'll suggest you teach them how to ride!

28. Falling for Dumb Logic—I need critical thinkers and problem solvers in my life! There's nothing sexier than a man that has his affairs in order! Please don't use dumb logic and lame excuses for why something simple has not been achieved.

29. Living Without a Plan of Action—I am preparing myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially for my future family! They deserve it!

These are all in the interest of saving valuable time! Please let me know what is on your list!

Thank you for taking this journey with me! Relax, Relate, Release...

—The S.B.