Breaking a Recent Day Holiday Tradition

Thanksgiving is by far my favorite Holiday! I love the food, the Fall, the fellowship, and the football! I start in the kitchen the night before and wake up early to get that bird fired up! I just love this time of the year and I have so much to be thankful for even though many times I forget!

So a few weeks ago when I posted an open request for topics to write about and a reader suggested “…being single for the Holidays”, I knew that I had something to speak on. For the last 6 years, I have been cooking the entire thanksgiving feast for my mother and me. I have a small family and most of them are out of town. Since my college years my mom and I have decided to keep this holiday rather intimate. But, for the last 3 years in a row, I have been involved with some dude in the autumn season, be it serious or semi-serious, and I have invited them for each of the last 3 dinners. My mom has been gracious but in retrospect, I am sure she would have preferred for it to be just us.

Well, this year my mom will get the mother-daughter time she desires! It will be just us! Because even though I am currently dating, I have decided that I do not want my mother to meet anymore men that I’m not sure will be around for the next Thanksgiving or holiday period for that matter! Holidays are special and should be reserved for special people! I put a lot of effort and love it the food and the overall entertaining for thanksgiving and only people who are committed to being in my life for more than just a season should experience this day with me and the person I love most in this world, my mother.

As I think back on the Thanksgivings I have shared with others, it has hardly fit the fantasy I have. When I think of a happy life, I think of Thanksgiving Day! I have a Down Home with the Neely’s type vision with my hunny and I prepping the food the night before drinking wine and sampling the desserts! Waking up early the next day, cooking breakfast for my husband and kids and then waiting for other family to come over! The ladies cooking and chatting in the kitchen, the kids playing outside, and the men watching football in the den! And every now and then my hubby comes into the kitchen stealing kisses and picking at the food as I swat him away! This is what I long and I have been silly to try and create some of that fantasy with my previous dinner guests! They have not been up to task and the results usually consists of my guy being glued to the TV, never getting up to come into the kitchen to see if I need anything, me cooking extra side dishes to please his picky eating taste, and my mom forgetting his name by Christmas!

So not this year! This year, I will be comfortable, not try to impress because my momma already knows I can throw down in the kitchen because, well, she taught me! I will hold onto my fantasy of sharing Thanksgiving with the loves of my life! Right now, no man in my life holds that spot! So while he is free to come over and help me indulge in some leftovers, I am saving the actual date for those that really love me and plan to share and be thankful with me for years to come!

Happy Thanksgiving All! I hope you are blessed to spend it with those you love!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Full Disclosure: Too Much Information!

I am of the belief that full disclosure is overrated and unrealistic in relationships. I am a very honest person but I definitely follow the Don’t Ask! Don’t Tell! policy when it come to dating. When I meet someone, I already assume that they have someone that they are either sleeping with or wants to be sleeping with them! I ask the most important questions up front! Married? Engaged? Serious girlfriend? Crazy stalker? But other than that I don’t want to know! At least not right now!

When it comes to male/female interaction, as one of my readers so eloquently put it, "People should naturally learn things about you as the relationship progresses." I feel this especially on the part of men. Many of them seem to have extremely fragile egos and they do not take the fact that they are just an option very well. Because they are competitive, they have to feel that they are the very best at all times.

In my opinion, there are two types of men out there. There are the ones that put you on a pedestal and considered you wife material very early on but the slightest notion that you are not perfect, i.e. you are single and dating not just him, causing him to flee. Then you have the ones that because they are competitive, they feel a need to “take” you from the next man. So the thought of you dating someone else only elevates their game—but not always for the right reasons. In my lifetime, I have dealt with both of these types of men leading me to my original sentiment—Full Disclosure is a hoax! No one really gives it or really wants it!

I once dated a guy that fell for me rather quickly. I like him too but we had only been talking for a few weeks and when I met him I was single with options and I wanted to finish exploring those and getting to know him better before I jumped right in! I told him that I think that we should continue to date for a little while longer before making it official because I like to make informed decisions not impulsive ones. He responded by suggesting that I clearly was seeing other people and that’s cool but I may later regret that decision! Now stop right there! I should have paid more attention and questioned him about this statement but I let it slide and we continued to date!

About 2 month later, I had really fallen for this guy. We had shared some great times together. We had laughed together, had deep conversation about the future and we even supported each other’s work. I helped him do some promotions for his business venture and he gave me some excellent professional advice. We were a power team and well on our way to a healthy relationship…so I thought! When we revisited the topic of US, he promptly and in no uncertain terms, let me know there was no US! He proceeded to explain that the moment I eluded to the fact that I may have been seeing other people, he no longer wanted a serious relationship with me. He felt that I obviously didn’t see him for the good man he was, and since I thought I could do better than that is what I should do!

Now, for that record, I think that is some BS! He was spoiled and immature and he lost out, which he later admitted to! But that right there was a lesson learned. Though people are charged with the weight of being rational, feeling and emotions are NOT! He could rationally see that I was not wrong for dating other people considering we had just met but his EGO was still bruised and he could not bring himself to get over the feeling of “being played.” I stopped looking like the “perfect” pedestal worthy princess when he thought about other men sharing my time!

The other type of guy that I once dated totally got off on the fact that there was someone else in the picture! This was more recently, so at this time, I did not do the whole full disclosure thing but he asked me point blank! So I gave him an honest answer—YES!—and that was the extent of my detail. Well, this man took that yes as a personal challenge. At the time, it seemed great! He sent flowers, called every day, planned dates, etc. Every now and then he’d check in on my status with “other dude.” The more he knew, the harder he’d try and finally he had done enough to sweep me off my feet while the other guy was really falling off. Finally, he had me! And then the dates dwindled, the flowers died, and I was left with the guy that was only in it for the competition!

So people please listen to me when I say this! Be careful with YOUR business! Not just the who you are dating business but everything! What you think about, what you’ve done in the past, what you regret, what you are sensitive about, and what makes you cry! People are listening and making note! Not all people are good people and can be trusted with that information! I would hate to see those private moments thrown back in your face just because someone once told us when we were young that "honesty is the BEST policy!" Well that sounds good in nursery rhymes but in my book honesty is just ONE policy!

Now please don’t go around saying that The S.B. promotes lying, sneaking, and hiding because I don’t! I promote revealing yourself slowly, giving relationships an opportunity to develop! Throwing TMI (too much information) around all willy nilly never helped anybody! If you give a relationship a chance grow strong then maybe when you reveal some secrets***, the relationship will then be solid enough to withstand that impact! What are your thoughts?

Thank you for taking this journey with me!


—The S.B.



***DISCLAIMER: I am referring to secrets such as dating history, sexual history especially if you and who are talking to aren’t having sex yet, financial history, etc! If your secrets are of a certain magnitude like sex change, currently pregnant, live with your EX, etc. You need to disclose that right away!

She’s Getting Married. And, I Am Truly Happy for Her…

Now I know you all are waiting for the anticipated big BUT! And you are right, there was one implied! However, let me first say that my best friend, The Doc, is getting hitched and I am so ecstatic for her. When it comes to discussion about the impending nuptials, we have tried to predict it, we’ve prayed upon it, and damn near completely planned it all before the question was popped! You should know, I love my friend and anything that brings her joy, I will always support! So when she told me that her and her Honey Do were “taking it to the next level”, I jumped for joy, sang a song, and shed a tear because I know how much she loves this man!

They have been together for about 5 years. They have built together, shared together, pursued degrees, careers, and dreams together. They are truly a great match! She is crazy (yeah I said it), sassy, quick witted, and sometimes too damn smart for her own good but he knows how to handle her. At times he turns this strong and stubborn woman into a giggling giddy little girl and in those moments, I can’t help but to dream I one day find a connection like that! The two of them are the picture of Love and I am honored to stand with them before God to witness!

With that being said, I am sure you are all wondering when the big BUT will make an appearance! And here it is…I am truly happy for her BUT I am also a little saddened—and not for the typical reasons one may think. As I have stated in past blog posts, I have never been more comfortable in my single skin than I am now. I happily single and having a blast on my journey! So please believe me when I say this is not about jealousy. This is about letting go…of an era…

I understand that she is not going anywhere physically but in October 2011, I have say 'goodbye' to Miss Maiden Name and 'hello' to the new Mrs. /Dr. Hyphenated Surname! And it will be hard letting that go! Who is this new Mrs./Dr. Hyphenated Surname? I am sure she is just as awesome! But, will she have the same time for me and the other single gals she’s waving goodbye to as the “Just Married” cans flop behind her getaway car?

What will marriage change, if anything? This will not be the first time a close friend has gotten married, but with each “I Do”, no matter how much joy I feel for the happy couple, a small part of me mourns the loss of a sister circle member. I’m left wondering how many more road trips to the beach we have. Can we still do those impromptu girls weekend where we party it up, flirt to get free drinks? What happens to those single girl rants about how MEN AIN’T ISH! Can she still chime in even though she done found her Mr. Right? And what comes after marriage…baby…will I, as a single woman, be able to relate? When we were 20-something-tweeners, fresh out of college, we thought we’d be doing this all at the same time! We’d marry, have babies the same age, and take family vacays together! When the plan falls through, what happens to us girls pulling up the rear?

I really hope not to sound selfish in this post because anyone who knows me knows that is far from the truth. I am just having a sensitive moment thinking back on all we’ve come through over the years. The thought of not being able to get together at the drop of a dime, with no responsibilities, just reminds me that we are getting older and it is time to adapt. My true friends understand that my friends are my family. And with family, you want to preserve them just the way they are at those perfect moments! Whenever all my girls are together, laughing, talking, and sharing our plans for the future without a care in the world, those moments are golden and I want to freeze frame them! But, I appreciate that life and love must go on! It is time for me to pass the baton to her new best friend… her husband!

Just remember, Doc, I always have your back and the fun doesn’t stop here…hyphenated last name and all! I love you and wish you nothing but joy and laughter for the rest of your life! You are in good hands because that man really loves you! May God Bless your union!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.