But He's Not MY Baby's Daddy

So I have been hesitating to write this post because I wasn’t ready to deal with the reality that I am dating a man that has a big question mark over his head. He has a very young child and just a very short while ago, as in a little over year and a half ago, a man with any age child was a deal breaker. Even though I have opened myself up to the possibility of a future with a man that has kids, there are still a few nagging issues that are hard to shake.

The first issue that I battle with is the acknowledgement of the child’s mother. In the past when I have casually dated someone’s baby daddy, it didn’t sit well with me that my man was at another woman’s beck and call. Though, I understand that the child is the most important person in his life, rightfully so, there is just a sick feeling when you know that no matter the time of day or whatever plans you may have, if she calls he immediately responds and you can easily find yourself on the back burner. In all fairness, I have never had a run in with a child’s mother but that is mainly because I laid back and tried not to interfere no matter how inconvenienced I was. But there’s a sense of inferiority, so to speak, knowing that she has a bond with him I will never be able to match short of giving him a child as well. This has kept me from allowing myself to have a deep connection with a man that has a child.

Another concern of mine deals with the children themselves. I come from a small family where I am the youngest so I do not really have much experience with children. I like children but who knows if they actually like me. Also, I have this notion that most children do not like the mates of their parents because most children desire for their parents to be together—especially if they are used to mommy and daddy being together all the time before the split. When I was a child, I don’t remember disliking any of my dad’s girlfriends but I think that is because I was not really accustomed to them being together but I do remember always trying to get them back together when we were all together. I used to say, “Daddy! Go kiss Mommy!” and “Mommy! Daddy says you look pretty and he loves you!” This is what kids do, and every so often, it would work! My Daddy would plant a big kiss on my Mommy and I thought all was right with the world! Those moments were so precious and as an adult I tend to lean towards the preservation of the family. For example, if you recall the show All of Us where a recently divorced man, Robert, gets engaged to Tia and he's raising a 5 year old. His ex-wife, Niecy, is still in the picture, of course, which caused tension amongst the 3 of them. Well, I was always Team Niecy! I wanted to see him make it work with the mother of his child and I always felt she held the trump card over Tia who played second fiddle on many occasion. I do not want to be Tia, that position seems so disposable.

Lastly, my single girl’s selfishness, which I'm entitled to, also serves as a barrier to finding true love with a man that is already someone’s dad! Two things stand out when it comes to this; the first is that I’m single and only responsible for me, so I can come and go as I please. I want a man that can partake in that freedom with me. For instance, I’m not married to the idea of living in my current city for the rest of my life. The guy that I’m seeing is committed to staying here because he doesn’t want to be away from his daughter. Understandable, but it doesn’t necessarily fit into my plans, hopes, or dreams. My last situation also had a child and he told me that sometime in the near future he wants his son to live with him. I don’t know how I feel about raising other people’s kids. I know I should be willing to sacrifice for the man I love, loving his child as if he were my own, but I’m not in love right now, so this is a concept that single, sexy, and FREE me can’t quite fathom.

But, my biggest struggle of them all is that I can never be FIRST. I can live with not being the first to have his heart, but not being able to be the first to be his wife and give him a child, that really bothers me. I want him and me to experience parenthood together for the first time. To make those rookie mistakes together. For him to hold MY baby for the first time in his arms with that pride a father has when he realizes for the first time he’s finally a father. With men that already have witness the birthing of a baby and have already done the midnight runs for pickles and ice cream, I just feel like I lose a special connection there. Most men that I have talked to about this assure me that each experience is special and they will have the same pride whether it is their 1st or 6th, and I believe this to an extent but we all know, there is just something about your first time doing anything that is different, memorable, and supersedes all other times. I don’t want to be denied that moment.

So what is a girl to do at 29 years of age? It’s getting harder to find a man that has no attachments. So you adjust and overcome the challenges, right! You focus on how he treats you and what type of man and father he is, right? If he is a good one, why pass him up, right? We should all be so lucky to know good men that actually take care of their responsibilities, right? Well, that sounds good, but it is a struggle...I am trying...

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

No Ordinary Date Night

So it is Friday! Which has in the past has been my happy hour turn party night and Saturday was date night! As I have gotten older, I enjoy date night much more than partying it up! I also now require much more thought when it comes to dating and courtship. I am worth the effort! I want to step outside the square and take in more than the typical chain restaurant dinner and a flick! Lucky for me, I’ve recently been able to go out with someone who shares the same sentiment! I never realized how sucky my dates have been over the years until now! I’m loving every minute of it!

So, one of my facebook friends asked what my idea of a good first date is and it got me to thinking? Be it the 1st or 100th date…shouldn’t they all be good?

It is a myth that all women are looking for a man to shell out an ungodly amount of money on a date to impress them. See grown women like me are more impressed by the thought. I am not saying that a flashy date here or there will not be appreciated but I am turned on by creativity. I like to see effort and that my guy really thought about the woman I am. Note the importance of knowing what kind of woman or man you have (and yes…women should plan dates too). These are some of my ideas that I think are thoughtful, creative and don’t require a limo or the use of a black card to enjoy!

Parks, Festivals, and Impromptu picnic
One of the best dates that I had involved walking around the park surrounding a lake during a festival! There were tons of carnival-type activities and shows! We found an ice cream shop and bought a few pints and some toppings and made sundaes right there! It was fun, romantic, and we really got a chance to have great conversation.
Approximate cost for two: $15, the fact that I’m still talking about it 6 years later: priceless!

Drive-In
If you must do dinner and a movie, choice the drive in over the theatre! You can bring your own food, drinks, snacks, and blankets! Again you can have a little picnic! If it’s warm outside, you can sit outside the car, maybe even on the hood and cuddle! It's like camping under the stars and you get movies—two for the price of one might I add!
Approximate cost including food for two: $30! Snuggling with your boo under the stars: priceless!

Seasonal Dates
Since its fall, haunted hayrides (and haunted houses) or just regular hayrides through pumpkin patches are appealing. Even apple picking is fun! It is a light date that gives you a chance to have whimsical fun with your mate—holding hands, stolen kisses, playful touching! Maybe even relive your childhood a bit!
Approximate cost for two: $40. Stolen moments: priceless!

Wineries & Vineyards
If you partake in a little wine indulgence from time to time, going to a vineyard is a good time. A group couples friends and I did this a few years ago. You get a tour of the grounds which could be romantic and informative! Plus, you get the wine tasting which will get you a little buzzed so make sure you eat! Once it is all said and done you get to choose a bottle or two to pop later! All in All...a good time!
Approximate cost for two plus a couple bottles of the “good” stuff: $55. Getting buzzed with your love for a fraction of the cost of typical night out: priceless!

Sports Dates
If you like sports, a major league baseball game is the most cost effective plus it is fun to eat hot dogs and drink beer in the ballpark! The adrenaline is high as you cheer on your team! Seeing your guy get into the game is sexy!
Approximate cost for two including beer: $80. The ballpark experience: priceless!

Cooking Class
So anyone who knows me knows that I have such an affinity for men that can cook; it raises their stock exponentially! I have a Down Home with the Neelys fantasy! So what better way to see what they have than to take a cooking class! The local market near my house offer couples cooking classes—everything from steak and lobster dinners to desserts to mixology! They give you cookbooks and drink recipes to try at home!
Approximate cost for two: $95. A home cooked meal to enjoy later…priceless!

Horseback Riding
This is one of my favorites! Most people shy away because they just automatically dismiss it as too expensive or they may think it is too hillbilly but the beer-and-pizza girl apposed to the wine-and-cheese girl in me loves this idea. There are places where you can take a moonlit ride for about an hour and a half then have a catered dinner fireside! How can this not win you major brownie points?
Approximate Cost for two: $100! Being able to be braggadocious about your date’s creativity: priceless!

I hope my list helps get your creative juices flowing! Now get out there and DATE!!! I’d love to hear some of your suggestions!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Love Makes Fools of Women

As I was at work listening to the oldies on Pandora, a few songs popped up in rotation that got me singing and relating—“Silly” by Deneice Williams and “Chain of Fools” by Aretha Franklin. I guess the universe was trying to tell me something. I chuckled as recalled the movie Maneater. Though it is only a mildly humorous film, the main character did say one thing that struck me…“Love Makes Fools of Women”…hmm…is that true?

Well let see…I have a group of good girlfriends—smart, beautiful, and rational (most times)—the times when they get knocked off their square, it usually has something to do with that thing called love! Over the years, we have compiled numerous stories of foolish behaviors enacted in the name of love—Everything from loaning money for a down payment never paid back, posting bail, forgiving cheating, jumping into a street brawl between 2 men just to protect your man, ignoring sexual orientation, slashing tires, bleaching clothes and most creative of them all—putting an international plan on a brotha’s cell phone and calling Africa for 5 hours.
So yeah, Love surely makes fools out of women!

I am no stranger to being foolish. I thought I'd share my list of Foolish Things I’ve done for love, in pursuit of love, and to avenge the loss of love.

Blatantly Ignored Cheating—Once I dated an older man. I was always a little uncomfortable with this but he made me feel relaxed. About 5 months in, I stopped feeling so relaxed. Things were strained and he wasn’t making the same effort. So I did what lots of women do, I played the sleuth and went into his phone! I found several inappropriate text messages to women and even a pair of breast in a picture mail! I was so outdone! But I convinced myself that I was out of line for violating his trust and that we were only dating for 5 months—nothing is serious until 6 months right? I keep my mouth shut and continued on like it never happened. For the next 6 months, I was even more determined to be a damn good girlfriend that cooked, cleaned, and (try) to put it down in the bedroom! I was a young fool!

Catered to my Man at all cost—I used to work 4 hours from my home when I had a corporate sales job with a Big 3 Company! I would drive up there on Mondays and come home late evening on Thursday. One evening, I was exhausted when my man arrived. He tells me I look terrible then asks what’s for dinner! I look at him and laugh. He’s irked and tells me he should’ve stayed home since I wasn’t cooking. After another 15 minutes of pouting, I put on my sweats and went to the store! By the time I finished the pork chops he was out and I ate alone!

Gullible—I let a man drive my company car out of town because he was having car troubles and short on money. My job paid for my gas so that was perfect for him. He promised to be safe. If he would have gotten into an accident or even pulled over for speeding, I could have gotten fired but who cared! I was in love!

The "Big" Payback—A guy that I was falling for and I thought he was falling for me abruptly told me that he thinks we are moving too fast and he wanted to slow down. Well slow down meant severing all ties and after 7 whole days without even a hello, I snapped and took it out on his car! We were at a party and I saw it in the far lot, I took off my belt and began scratching it! Too bad it was absolutely pointless! He drove a 1988 Toyota Tercel that was gumby green w/ red-rust doors. All my scratching did was leave a pile for rust chips in the parking space. The removed rust only improved the look and I ruined a good dress with rust stains!

Revenge Sex—In college, after a breakup with My First, we decided to still be friends. As we talked one evening, 2 months later, somehow we started talking about life after the fall out. He got loose with the lips and told me that he had wack sex the night before and he regretted it because it wasn’t me! I got a lump in my throat and at that moment I decided that I was going to get mine too! I had met a cute guy a few weeks ago, so called him up and well…you know! Now good for me that me and this guy actually became close friends because I was sure he would think I was easy! But I wanted revenge sex! Silly me though…I had revenge sex but nobody knew but me! My First, to this day, knows nothing of it! Some brilliant tactic that was!

Stalker Tendencies—My guy at the time was supposed to spend the night at my house after a party. We had never taken it there but I was feeling amorous and excited to see him! After the let out, I called him like 20 times and no answer so I drove home—35 minutes from his house. As I called for the 21st time, I got heated and decided to go see what was up! At 3 AM I drove to his house and rang the bell—no answer. I see his car! So I climb through the woods and knock on his window! I hear a woman stirred from her sleep call his name. I was so shocked that I bolted off! I cried all the way home! So embarrassed, I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and we continued dating. (same guy for #1 thru #3. I was really a fool for him)


AND THE TWO MOST FOOLISH

Unprotected Sex because my love really wanted to! I was on no birth control, completely unable to support a child and I didn’t even ask if he was tested. Thank God that He protects babies and fools!

Fight Club!—When the love of my life decided to go back to his ex because he felt “obligated because of the years” they spent together, I was crushed. What made it worse is that before he went back to her, this chick actually sent me a threatening email telling me to stay away! Well one evening my friends tried to cheer me up with shots! After my dose of liquid courage, I went to his apartment when I thought she would be there—hair braided, face full of Vaseline! I pounded on the door! No answer so I waited for hours! I woke up to the dusk sky! Now that was crazy!

As I type these stories, I am literally laughing out loud! What the hell was I doing? But after years, I know what it was; I was young, dumb, and quick to succumb! So I’d like to rephrase the above statement…"Love can only make fools out of YOUNG and/or DUMB women!"

If you are still falling for the same ookie doke you did in college or your "just barely 20s", you might need to ask yourself…which one am I? But don’t feel too bad sista…we can all relate because everybody play the fool, sometime!

Please feel free to share your foolish stories! Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

The Same Page

This weekend was pretty chill for me. I spent the majority of it with RedBox movies and re-runs of Sex and the City on DVD! The movie, She’s Out of My League and one episode of SATC in particular inspired me to write this. In the movie, there is this beautiful woman that just came out of a relationship with a gorgeous guy that was her “type”. He hurts her pretty bad and that led her to dating a guy that she wasn’t that attracted to because she thought she would have better luck with an average Joe. In, the SATC episode, a friend of the girls was getting married to a guy that she once compared to watching paint dry. When the girls saw her at the wedding she whispered to them that you should always marry a man that loves your more than you love him. I started thinking, is this what I’ve been doing in my dating life? Am I purposely pursuing the average safe guy? If yes, why?

Sidebar: This is why I love blogging! It if forces me to be introspective! Even though it is tough most times, it really is enlightening.

While sitting back and reflecting on my single state, I realized that almost every man that I have dated since 2005 has liked me way more than I liked him. The few exceptions have been quite opposite, where I have been all giggly and starry eyed while they have been very indifferent! In that time I’ve had 2 serious relationships—one lasted almost two years and the other, we damn near lived together for about 7 months. The 2 year guy was a great person. He cared about me, did his best to care for me, and he respected me. The live-in boyfriend guy was the same way. Both of them had their issues, some major—who doesn’t—but they were good men, the type that parents dream their daughters would marry. And even though I was a devoted girlfriend that they could and would brag about to their friends, there still was no love connection—no passion, no FIRE—but nice and safe!

I had to confront myself on this issue of not choosing men that give me that "feeling". And as tough as it is to admit to myself, I have no other choice than to concede that it is undoubtedly a defense mechanism. I was subconsciously doing exactly what the ladies on film were doing—playing it safe, resisting all temptations to go “all in”!

In my lifetime, I can only think of 2.5 men that I was completely “sold out”, head over heels, for and all of them ended poorly. One was my high school sweetheart, the other was my dissipated soul mate in college, and the last was my first adult relationship with an older man. Each of has taught me so much about myself but they also left me with a skeptical outlook on relationships and the belief that being in love is overrated and/or impossible. My high school boyfriend dumped me before prom because he was battling with the aliens in his closet. (Yes aliens! He thought they were after him but that is a story for another time) My college soul mate was in flux when his now wife came back in the picture to reclaim him right in the middle of our love thing, so I laid low and lost. (His current state of marital misery doesn’t alleviate the sting) And my first, grown woman relationship was with an older man who told me so many lies that I, to this day, don’t really know how old he is or how many kids he actually has. (I count him as a half because of the lies) So, as you can see, I have a very limited experience with that sensation that makes you feel like nothing else matters when you are in his presence. To me, that feeling is what urban myths are made of.

Yet, when I conceptualize that “feeling”, it is exactly what I want! As I have written several times before, I just want to stop pretending. I am too old for the game playing. Seriously entertaining someone that is not what you ultimately want is a game for fools. I’ve wasted so much time playing make-believe—trying to create a Prince out of Frog. No matter how delightful the frog, he is still but a frog! At this point in my development, I just want to be on the same page with someone. Unfortunately, the chase can be fun but that gets old real quick. I just want someone that is loving me at the same time I am loving them and with the same intensity. I am looking to be equally yoked with someone beyond just the same level of education or similar incomes. I want us to enjoy spending time together and sharing common interest while still complimenting each other’s diversity. As the quote by Shinichi Suzuki goes…"when love is deep, much can be accomplished." All attempts made to maintain an imbalanced relationship is a huge waste and unhealthy. Instead, I want my man and me to spend that time conquering the world, if you will.

But now the question becomes, how do you know when you and your partner have reached that equilibrium? Especially when there are countless people out there, like me, the girl in She’s Out of My League, and the new wife in SATC, that will fake it until they make it. Some people will do anything to avoid their biggest fear of being hurt by the one they loved MORE.

In the movie she ended up actually falling in love with the Joe…but it was just that—a movie! However, I believe I can have my happy ending too! I just have to get out of my own way and turn the page!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

The S.B.