Just Be Cool!

So just when I think I have this whole dating thing figured out, I quickly find out that is not the case, AT ALL! I have created this air of confidence, which I really believed in, that says, “I am great and there is no way some guy can knock me off my square!” Well, right now my square is looking more like a triangle and I am teetering at the top trying to regain balance.

I have met, randomly while not looking, a guy that I really like—even though I hate to admit it for fear of sounding like a schoolgirl. When I first met him, I expected it to be a very casual friendship, but he has worked his way into my daydreaming so I know I’m in trouble. See, it hasn’t been all that long but our time together has been that good. When we part ways, I always anticipate our next date. He is crossing things off my checklist left and right. Cute—check! Smart—check! Funny—check! Successful—check! Family Oriented—check! No Kids and Straight—check CHECK!!! So even though I want to employ some nonchalant behavior towards this man, I can’t! I WANT HIM! Yes, I said it! I want him to myself for as long as I desire!

So here comes the issue, when do I allow these thoughts and feelings to be known? My whole life I have worked on timelines. Right now, me fancying him the way I do is not scheduled to happen until early-spring 2011. Plus, I vowed to not hype myself up over mere potential again. I am only interested in potential realized. And on top of it all, when I asked one of my married friends how she hooked her husband—they had a whirlwind romance that lead to an engagement in under a year—she told me that she was just that cool ass chick with him. She liked him, knew he was ripe for the picking, but she kept her composure at all times.

I am not one for games. If I like you then I want you to know it and if you like me back you are excited that I told you! However, her comments make a lot of sense. This man has told me what he wants out of life. These things include a wife, 2 kids, and a financially comfortable lifestyle. I want these things too and I am exactly his type from what he has described. He has also let me know about his timeline. He would like to be engaged by the time he finishes his residency which is in 2 years. So now that all the cards are on the table, I just have to make sure I get my books by playing smart and using my trump cards correctly. I cannot get ahead of myself.

With the New Year quickly approaching, I am starting to get that itch again—that another-year-closer-to-spinsterhood itch. I am yearning for something new and substantial, but sometimes when I get that taste for blood, I tend to salivate while readying myself to pounce upon my prey but if they see me, they’ll run before I can catch them. I don’t want to do this to him. I think we could have something significant if I can just BE COOL!!! If I can just continue to show him that easy breezy side of me he is so attracted to—that side that has caused him to refer to me the coolest woman he knows, that side that makes him call every single day and that entices him to drive up and down the highways to see me at every given turn; if I can just continue to stay even keel with my emotions, then I know that I can get him and keep his attention.

But, the question remains, how do I tame my anxiety when everything I want is within sight but just far enough out of my grasp to drive me crazy and have me all flustered inside? I have no good definite answer for this but what I do know is that men like women who are lighthearted, low on drama, can roll with the punches in and out of the sack, and who can let her hair down and enjoy a good beer and a good game from time to time and is sexy to boot! I can show him all those things if I just resist the need for speed and BE COOL!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Breaking a Recent Day Holiday Tradition

Thanksgiving is by far my favorite Holiday! I love the food, the Fall, the fellowship, and the football! I start in the kitchen the night before and wake up early to get that bird fired up! I just love this time of the year and I have so much to be thankful for even though many times I forget!

So a few weeks ago when I posted an open request for topics to write about and a reader suggested “…being single for the Holidays”, I knew that I had something to speak on. For the last 6 years, I have been cooking the entire thanksgiving feast for my mother and me. I have a small family and most of them are out of town. Since my college years my mom and I have decided to keep this holiday rather intimate. But, for the last 3 years in a row, I have been involved with some dude in the autumn season, be it serious or semi-serious, and I have invited them for each of the last 3 dinners. My mom has been gracious but in retrospect, I am sure she would have preferred for it to be just us.

Well, this year my mom will get the mother-daughter time she desires! It will be just us! Because even though I am currently dating, I have decided that I do not want my mother to meet anymore men that I’m not sure will be around for the next Thanksgiving or holiday period for that matter! Holidays are special and should be reserved for special people! I put a lot of effort and love it the food and the overall entertaining for thanksgiving and only people who are committed to being in my life for more than just a season should experience this day with me and the person I love most in this world, my mother.

As I think back on the Thanksgivings I have shared with others, it has hardly fit the fantasy I have. When I think of a happy life, I think of Thanksgiving Day! I have a Down Home with the Neely’s type vision with my hunny and I prepping the food the night before drinking wine and sampling the desserts! Waking up early the next day, cooking breakfast for my husband and kids and then waiting for other family to come over! The ladies cooking and chatting in the kitchen, the kids playing outside, and the men watching football in the den! And every now and then my hubby comes into the kitchen stealing kisses and picking at the food as I swat him away! This is what I long and I have been silly to try and create some of that fantasy with my previous dinner guests! They have not been up to task and the results usually consists of my guy being glued to the TV, never getting up to come into the kitchen to see if I need anything, me cooking extra side dishes to please his picky eating taste, and my mom forgetting his name by Christmas!

So not this year! This year, I will be comfortable, not try to impress because my momma already knows I can throw down in the kitchen because, well, she taught me! I will hold onto my fantasy of sharing Thanksgiving with the loves of my life! Right now, no man in my life holds that spot! So while he is free to come over and help me indulge in some leftovers, I am saving the actual date for those that really love me and plan to share and be thankful with me for years to come!

Happy Thanksgiving All! I hope you are blessed to spend it with those you love!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Full Disclosure: Too Much Information!

I am of the belief that full disclosure is overrated and unrealistic in relationships. I am a very honest person but I definitely follow the Don’t Ask! Don’t Tell! policy when it come to dating. When I meet someone, I already assume that they have someone that they are either sleeping with or wants to be sleeping with them! I ask the most important questions up front! Married? Engaged? Serious girlfriend? Crazy stalker? But other than that I don’t want to know! At least not right now!

When it comes to male/female interaction, as one of my readers so eloquently put it, "People should naturally learn things about you as the relationship progresses." I feel this especially on the part of men. Many of them seem to have extremely fragile egos and they do not take the fact that they are just an option very well. Because they are competitive, they have to feel that they are the very best at all times.

In my opinion, there are two types of men out there. There are the ones that put you on a pedestal and considered you wife material very early on but the slightest notion that you are not perfect, i.e. you are single and dating not just him, causing him to flee. Then you have the ones that because they are competitive, they feel a need to “take” you from the next man. So the thought of you dating someone else only elevates their game—but not always for the right reasons. In my lifetime, I have dealt with both of these types of men leading me to my original sentiment—Full Disclosure is a hoax! No one really gives it or really wants it!

I once dated a guy that fell for me rather quickly. I like him too but we had only been talking for a few weeks and when I met him I was single with options and I wanted to finish exploring those and getting to know him better before I jumped right in! I told him that I think that we should continue to date for a little while longer before making it official because I like to make informed decisions not impulsive ones. He responded by suggesting that I clearly was seeing other people and that’s cool but I may later regret that decision! Now stop right there! I should have paid more attention and questioned him about this statement but I let it slide and we continued to date!

About 2 month later, I had really fallen for this guy. We had shared some great times together. We had laughed together, had deep conversation about the future and we even supported each other’s work. I helped him do some promotions for his business venture and he gave me some excellent professional advice. We were a power team and well on our way to a healthy relationship…so I thought! When we revisited the topic of US, he promptly and in no uncertain terms, let me know there was no US! He proceeded to explain that the moment I eluded to the fact that I may have been seeing other people, he no longer wanted a serious relationship with me. He felt that I obviously didn’t see him for the good man he was, and since I thought I could do better than that is what I should do!

Now, for that record, I think that is some BS! He was spoiled and immature and he lost out, which he later admitted to! But that right there was a lesson learned. Though people are charged with the weight of being rational, feeling and emotions are NOT! He could rationally see that I was not wrong for dating other people considering we had just met but his EGO was still bruised and he could not bring himself to get over the feeling of “being played.” I stopped looking like the “perfect” pedestal worthy princess when he thought about other men sharing my time!

The other type of guy that I once dated totally got off on the fact that there was someone else in the picture! This was more recently, so at this time, I did not do the whole full disclosure thing but he asked me point blank! So I gave him an honest answer—YES!—and that was the extent of my detail. Well, this man took that yes as a personal challenge. At the time, it seemed great! He sent flowers, called every day, planned dates, etc. Every now and then he’d check in on my status with “other dude.” The more he knew, the harder he’d try and finally he had done enough to sweep me off my feet while the other guy was really falling off. Finally, he had me! And then the dates dwindled, the flowers died, and I was left with the guy that was only in it for the competition!

So people please listen to me when I say this! Be careful with YOUR business! Not just the who you are dating business but everything! What you think about, what you’ve done in the past, what you regret, what you are sensitive about, and what makes you cry! People are listening and making note! Not all people are good people and can be trusted with that information! I would hate to see those private moments thrown back in your face just because someone once told us when we were young that "honesty is the BEST policy!" Well that sounds good in nursery rhymes but in my book honesty is just ONE policy!

Now please don’t go around saying that The S.B. promotes lying, sneaking, and hiding because I don’t! I promote revealing yourself slowly, giving relationships an opportunity to develop! Throwing TMI (too much information) around all willy nilly never helped anybody! If you give a relationship a chance grow strong then maybe when you reveal some secrets***, the relationship will then be solid enough to withstand that impact! What are your thoughts?

Thank you for taking this journey with me!


—The S.B.



***DISCLAIMER: I am referring to secrets such as dating history, sexual history especially if you and who are talking to aren’t having sex yet, financial history, etc! If your secrets are of a certain magnitude like sex change, currently pregnant, live with your EX, etc. You need to disclose that right away!

She’s Getting Married. And, I Am Truly Happy for Her…

Now I know you all are waiting for the anticipated big BUT! And you are right, there was one implied! However, let me first say that my best friend, The Doc, is getting hitched and I am so ecstatic for her. When it comes to discussion about the impending nuptials, we have tried to predict it, we’ve prayed upon it, and damn near completely planned it all before the question was popped! You should know, I love my friend and anything that brings her joy, I will always support! So when she told me that her and her Honey Do were “taking it to the next level”, I jumped for joy, sang a song, and shed a tear because I know how much she loves this man!

They have been together for about 5 years. They have built together, shared together, pursued degrees, careers, and dreams together. They are truly a great match! She is crazy (yeah I said it), sassy, quick witted, and sometimes too damn smart for her own good but he knows how to handle her. At times he turns this strong and stubborn woman into a giggling giddy little girl and in those moments, I can’t help but to dream I one day find a connection like that! The two of them are the picture of Love and I am honored to stand with them before God to witness!

With that being said, I am sure you are all wondering when the big BUT will make an appearance! And here it is…I am truly happy for her BUT I am also a little saddened—and not for the typical reasons one may think. As I have stated in past blog posts, I have never been more comfortable in my single skin than I am now. I happily single and having a blast on my journey! So please believe me when I say this is not about jealousy. This is about letting go…of an era…

I understand that she is not going anywhere physically but in October 2011, I have say 'goodbye' to Miss Maiden Name and 'hello' to the new Mrs. /Dr. Hyphenated Surname! And it will be hard letting that go! Who is this new Mrs./Dr. Hyphenated Surname? I am sure she is just as awesome! But, will she have the same time for me and the other single gals she’s waving goodbye to as the “Just Married” cans flop behind her getaway car?

What will marriage change, if anything? This will not be the first time a close friend has gotten married, but with each “I Do”, no matter how much joy I feel for the happy couple, a small part of me mourns the loss of a sister circle member. I’m left wondering how many more road trips to the beach we have. Can we still do those impromptu girls weekend where we party it up, flirt to get free drinks? What happens to those single girl rants about how MEN AIN’T ISH! Can she still chime in even though she done found her Mr. Right? And what comes after marriage…baby…will I, as a single woman, be able to relate? When we were 20-something-tweeners, fresh out of college, we thought we’d be doing this all at the same time! We’d marry, have babies the same age, and take family vacays together! When the plan falls through, what happens to us girls pulling up the rear?

I really hope not to sound selfish in this post because anyone who knows me knows that is far from the truth. I am just having a sensitive moment thinking back on all we’ve come through over the years. The thought of not being able to get together at the drop of a dime, with no responsibilities, just reminds me that we are getting older and it is time to adapt. My true friends understand that my friends are my family. And with family, you want to preserve them just the way they are at those perfect moments! Whenever all my girls are together, laughing, talking, and sharing our plans for the future without a care in the world, those moments are golden and I want to freeze frame them! But, I appreciate that life and love must go on! It is time for me to pass the baton to her new best friend… her husband!

Just remember, Doc, I always have your back and the fun doesn’t stop here…hyphenated last name and all! I love you and wish you nothing but joy and laughter for the rest of your life! You are in good hands because that man really loves you! May God Bless your union!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

But He's Not MY Baby's Daddy

So I have been hesitating to write this post because I wasn’t ready to deal with the reality that I am dating a man that has a big question mark over his head. He has a very young child and just a very short while ago, as in a little over year and a half ago, a man with any age child was a deal breaker. Even though I have opened myself up to the possibility of a future with a man that has kids, there are still a few nagging issues that are hard to shake.

The first issue that I battle with is the acknowledgement of the child’s mother. In the past when I have casually dated someone’s baby daddy, it didn’t sit well with me that my man was at another woman’s beck and call. Though, I understand that the child is the most important person in his life, rightfully so, there is just a sick feeling when you know that no matter the time of day or whatever plans you may have, if she calls he immediately responds and you can easily find yourself on the back burner. In all fairness, I have never had a run in with a child’s mother but that is mainly because I laid back and tried not to interfere no matter how inconvenienced I was. But there’s a sense of inferiority, so to speak, knowing that she has a bond with him I will never be able to match short of giving him a child as well. This has kept me from allowing myself to have a deep connection with a man that has a child.

Another concern of mine deals with the children themselves. I come from a small family where I am the youngest so I do not really have much experience with children. I like children but who knows if they actually like me. Also, I have this notion that most children do not like the mates of their parents because most children desire for their parents to be together—especially if they are used to mommy and daddy being together all the time before the split. When I was a child, I don’t remember disliking any of my dad’s girlfriends but I think that is because I was not really accustomed to them being together but I do remember always trying to get them back together when we were all together. I used to say, “Daddy! Go kiss Mommy!” and “Mommy! Daddy says you look pretty and he loves you!” This is what kids do, and every so often, it would work! My Daddy would plant a big kiss on my Mommy and I thought all was right with the world! Those moments were so precious and as an adult I tend to lean towards the preservation of the family. For example, if you recall the show All of Us where a recently divorced man, Robert, gets engaged to Tia and he's raising a 5 year old. His ex-wife, Niecy, is still in the picture, of course, which caused tension amongst the 3 of them. Well, I was always Team Niecy! I wanted to see him make it work with the mother of his child and I always felt she held the trump card over Tia who played second fiddle on many occasion. I do not want to be Tia, that position seems so disposable.

Lastly, my single girl’s selfishness, which I'm entitled to, also serves as a barrier to finding true love with a man that is already someone’s dad! Two things stand out when it comes to this; the first is that I’m single and only responsible for me, so I can come and go as I please. I want a man that can partake in that freedom with me. For instance, I’m not married to the idea of living in my current city for the rest of my life. The guy that I’m seeing is committed to staying here because he doesn’t want to be away from his daughter. Understandable, but it doesn’t necessarily fit into my plans, hopes, or dreams. My last situation also had a child and he told me that sometime in the near future he wants his son to live with him. I don’t know how I feel about raising other people’s kids. I know I should be willing to sacrifice for the man I love, loving his child as if he were my own, but I’m not in love right now, so this is a concept that single, sexy, and FREE me can’t quite fathom.

But, my biggest struggle of them all is that I can never be FIRST. I can live with not being the first to have his heart, but not being able to be the first to be his wife and give him a child, that really bothers me. I want him and me to experience parenthood together for the first time. To make those rookie mistakes together. For him to hold MY baby for the first time in his arms with that pride a father has when he realizes for the first time he’s finally a father. With men that already have witness the birthing of a baby and have already done the midnight runs for pickles and ice cream, I just feel like I lose a special connection there. Most men that I have talked to about this assure me that each experience is special and they will have the same pride whether it is their 1st or 6th, and I believe this to an extent but we all know, there is just something about your first time doing anything that is different, memorable, and supersedes all other times. I don’t want to be denied that moment.

So what is a girl to do at 29 years of age? It’s getting harder to find a man that has no attachments. So you adjust and overcome the challenges, right! You focus on how he treats you and what type of man and father he is, right? If he is a good one, why pass him up, right? We should all be so lucky to know good men that actually take care of their responsibilities, right? Well, that sounds good, but it is a struggle...I am trying...

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

No Ordinary Date Night

So it is Friday! Which has in the past has been my happy hour turn party night and Saturday was date night! As I have gotten older, I enjoy date night much more than partying it up! I also now require much more thought when it comes to dating and courtship. I am worth the effort! I want to step outside the square and take in more than the typical chain restaurant dinner and a flick! Lucky for me, I’ve recently been able to go out with someone who shares the same sentiment! I never realized how sucky my dates have been over the years until now! I’m loving every minute of it!

So, one of my facebook friends asked what my idea of a good first date is and it got me to thinking? Be it the 1st or 100th date…shouldn’t they all be good?

It is a myth that all women are looking for a man to shell out an ungodly amount of money on a date to impress them. See grown women like me are more impressed by the thought. I am not saying that a flashy date here or there will not be appreciated but I am turned on by creativity. I like to see effort and that my guy really thought about the woman I am. Note the importance of knowing what kind of woman or man you have (and yes…women should plan dates too). These are some of my ideas that I think are thoughtful, creative and don’t require a limo or the use of a black card to enjoy!

Parks, Festivals, and Impromptu picnic
One of the best dates that I had involved walking around the park surrounding a lake during a festival! There were tons of carnival-type activities and shows! We found an ice cream shop and bought a few pints and some toppings and made sundaes right there! It was fun, romantic, and we really got a chance to have great conversation.
Approximate cost for two: $15, the fact that I’m still talking about it 6 years later: priceless!

Drive-In
If you must do dinner and a movie, choice the drive in over the theatre! You can bring your own food, drinks, snacks, and blankets! Again you can have a little picnic! If it’s warm outside, you can sit outside the car, maybe even on the hood and cuddle! It's like camping under the stars and you get movies—two for the price of one might I add!
Approximate cost including food for two: $30! Snuggling with your boo under the stars: priceless!

Seasonal Dates
Since its fall, haunted hayrides (and haunted houses) or just regular hayrides through pumpkin patches are appealing. Even apple picking is fun! It is a light date that gives you a chance to have whimsical fun with your mate—holding hands, stolen kisses, playful touching! Maybe even relive your childhood a bit!
Approximate cost for two: $40. Stolen moments: priceless!

Wineries & Vineyards
If you partake in a little wine indulgence from time to time, going to a vineyard is a good time. A group couples friends and I did this a few years ago. You get a tour of the grounds which could be romantic and informative! Plus, you get the wine tasting which will get you a little buzzed so make sure you eat! Once it is all said and done you get to choose a bottle or two to pop later! All in All...a good time!
Approximate cost for two plus a couple bottles of the “good” stuff: $55. Getting buzzed with your love for a fraction of the cost of typical night out: priceless!

Sports Dates
If you like sports, a major league baseball game is the most cost effective plus it is fun to eat hot dogs and drink beer in the ballpark! The adrenaline is high as you cheer on your team! Seeing your guy get into the game is sexy!
Approximate cost for two including beer: $80. The ballpark experience: priceless!

Cooking Class
So anyone who knows me knows that I have such an affinity for men that can cook; it raises their stock exponentially! I have a Down Home with the Neelys fantasy! So what better way to see what they have than to take a cooking class! The local market near my house offer couples cooking classes—everything from steak and lobster dinners to desserts to mixology! They give you cookbooks and drink recipes to try at home!
Approximate cost for two: $95. A home cooked meal to enjoy later…priceless!

Horseback Riding
This is one of my favorites! Most people shy away because they just automatically dismiss it as too expensive or they may think it is too hillbilly but the beer-and-pizza girl apposed to the wine-and-cheese girl in me loves this idea. There are places where you can take a moonlit ride for about an hour and a half then have a catered dinner fireside! How can this not win you major brownie points?
Approximate Cost for two: $100! Being able to be braggadocious about your date’s creativity: priceless!

I hope my list helps get your creative juices flowing! Now get out there and DATE!!! I’d love to hear some of your suggestions!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Love Makes Fools of Women

As I was at work listening to the oldies on Pandora, a few songs popped up in rotation that got me singing and relating—“Silly” by Deneice Williams and “Chain of Fools” by Aretha Franklin. I guess the universe was trying to tell me something. I chuckled as recalled the movie Maneater. Though it is only a mildly humorous film, the main character did say one thing that struck me…“Love Makes Fools of Women”…hmm…is that true?

Well let see…I have a group of good girlfriends—smart, beautiful, and rational (most times)—the times when they get knocked off their square, it usually has something to do with that thing called love! Over the years, we have compiled numerous stories of foolish behaviors enacted in the name of love—Everything from loaning money for a down payment never paid back, posting bail, forgiving cheating, jumping into a street brawl between 2 men just to protect your man, ignoring sexual orientation, slashing tires, bleaching clothes and most creative of them all—putting an international plan on a brotha’s cell phone and calling Africa for 5 hours.
So yeah, Love surely makes fools out of women!

I am no stranger to being foolish. I thought I'd share my list of Foolish Things I’ve done for love, in pursuit of love, and to avenge the loss of love.

Blatantly Ignored Cheating—Once I dated an older man. I was always a little uncomfortable with this but he made me feel relaxed. About 5 months in, I stopped feeling so relaxed. Things were strained and he wasn’t making the same effort. So I did what lots of women do, I played the sleuth and went into his phone! I found several inappropriate text messages to women and even a pair of breast in a picture mail! I was so outdone! But I convinced myself that I was out of line for violating his trust and that we were only dating for 5 months—nothing is serious until 6 months right? I keep my mouth shut and continued on like it never happened. For the next 6 months, I was even more determined to be a damn good girlfriend that cooked, cleaned, and (try) to put it down in the bedroom! I was a young fool!

Catered to my Man at all cost—I used to work 4 hours from my home when I had a corporate sales job with a Big 3 Company! I would drive up there on Mondays and come home late evening on Thursday. One evening, I was exhausted when my man arrived. He tells me I look terrible then asks what’s for dinner! I look at him and laugh. He’s irked and tells me he should’ve stayed home since I wasn’t cooking. After another 15 minutes of pouting, I put on my sweats and went to the store! By the time I finished the pork chops he was out and I ate alone!

Gullible—I let a man drive my company car out of town because he was having car troubles and short on money. My job paid for my gas so that was perfect for him. He promised to be safe. If he would have gotten into an accident or even pulled over for speeding, I could have gotten fired but who cared! I was in love!

The "Big" Payback—A guy that I was falling for and I thought he was falling for me abruptly told me that he thinks we are moving too fast and he wanted to slow down. Well slow down meant severing all ties and after 7 whole days without even a hello, I snapped and took it out on his car! We were at a party and I saw it in the far lot, I took off my belt and began scratching it! Too bad it was absolutely pointless! He drove a 1988 Toyota Tercel that was gumby green w/ red-rust doors. All my scratching did was leave a pile for rust chips in the parking space. The removed rust only improved the look and I ruined a good dress with rust stains!

Revenge Sex—In college, after a breakup with My First, we decided to still be friends. As we talked one evening, 2 months later, somehow we started talking about life after the fall out. He got loose with the lips and told me that he had wack sex the night before and he regretted it because it wasn’t me! I got a lump in my throat and at that moment I decided that I was going to get mine too! I had met a cute guy a few weeks ago, so called him up and well…you know! Now good for me that me and this guy actually became close friends because I was sure he would think I was easy! But I wanted revenge sex! Silly me though…I had revenge sex but nobody knew but me! My First, to this day, knows nothing of it! Some brilliant tactic that was!

Stalker Tendencies—My guy at the time was supposed to spend the night at my house after a party. We had never taken it there but I was feeling amorous and excited to see him! After the let out, I called him like 20 times and no answer so I drove home—35 minutes from his house. As I called for the 21st time, I got heated and decided to go see what was up! At 3 AM I drove to his house and rang the bell—no answer. I see his car! So I climb through the woods and knock on his window! I hear a woman stirred from her sleep call his name. I was so shocked that I bolted off! I cried all the way home! So embarrassed, I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and we continued dating. (same guy for #1 thru #3. I was really a fool for him)


AND THE TWO MOST FOOLISH

Unprotected Sex because my love really wanted to! I was on no birth control, completely unable to support a child and I didn’t even ask if he was tested. Thank God that He protects babies and fools!

Fight Club!—When the love of my life decided to go back to his ex because he felt “obligated because of the years” they spent together, I was crushed. What made it worse is that before he went back to her, this chick actually sent me a threatening email telling me to stay away! Well one evening my friends tried to cheer me up with shots! After my dose of liquid courage, I went to his apartment when I thought she would be there—hair braided, face full of Vaseline! I pounded on the door! No answer so I waited for hours! I woke up to the dusk sky! Now that was crazy!

As I type these stories, I am literally laughing out loud! What the hell was I doing? But after years, I know what it was; I was young, dumb, and quick to succumb! So I’d like to rephrase the above statement…"Love can only make fools out of YOUNG and/or DUMB women!"

If you are still falling for the same ookie doke you did in college or your "just barely 20s", you might need to ask yourself…which one am I? But don’t feel too bad sista…we can all relate because everybody play the fool, sometime!

Please feel free to share your foolish stories! Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

The Same Page

This weekend was pretty chill for me. I spent the majority of it with RedBox movies and re-runs of Sex and the City on DVD! The movie, She’s Out of My League and one episode of SATC in particular inspired me to write this. In the movie, there is this beautiful woman that just came out of a relationship with a gorgeous guy that was her “type”. He hurts her pretty bad and that led her to dating a guy that she wasn’t that attracted to because she thought she would have better luck with an average Joe. In, the SATC episode, a friend of the girls was getting married to a guy that she once compared to watching paint dry. When the girls saw her at the wedding she whispered to them that you should always marry a man that loves your more than you love him. I started thinking, is this what I’ve been doing in my dating life? Am I purposely pursuing the average safe guy? If yes, why?

Sidebar: This is why I love blogging! It if forces me to be introspective! Even though it is tough most times, it really is enlightening.

While sitting back and reflecting on my single state, I realized that almost every man that I have dated since 2005 has liked me way more than I liked him. The few exceptions have been quite opposite, where I have been all giggly and starry eyed while they have been very indifferent! In that time I’ve had 2 serious relationships—one lasted almost two years and the other, we damn near lived together for about 7 months. The 2 year guy was a great person. He cared about me, did his best to care for me, and he respected me. The live-in boyfriend guy was the same way. Both of them had their issues, some major—who doesn’t—but they were good men, the type that parents dream their daughters would marry. And even though I was a devoted girlfriend that they could and would brag about to their friends, there still was no love connection—no passion, no FIRE—but nice and safe!

I had to confront myself on this issue of not choosing men that give me that "feeling". And as tough as it is to admit to myself, I have no other choice than to concede that it is undoubtedly a defense mechanism. I was subconsciously doing exactly what the ladies on film were doing—playing it safe, resisting all temptations to go “all in”!

In my lifetime, I can only think of 2.5 men that I was completely “sold out”, head over heels, for and all of them ended poorly. One was my high school sweetheart, the other was my dissipated soul mate in college, and the last was my first adult relationship with an older man. Each of has taught me so much about myself but they also left me with a skeptical outlook on relationships and the belief that being in love is overrated and/or impossible. My high school boyfriend dumped me before prom because he was battling with the aliens in his closet. (Yes aliens! He thought they were after him but that is a story for another time) My college soul mate was in flux when his now wife came back in the picture to reclaim him right in the middle of our love thing, so I laid low and lost. (His current state of marital misery doesn’t alleviate the sting) And my first, grown woman relationship was with an older man who told me so many lies that I, to this day, don’t really know how old he is or how many kids he actually has. (I count him as a half because of the lies) So, as you can see, I have a very limited experience with that sensation that makes you feel like nothing else matters when you are in his presence. To me, that feeling is what urban myths are made of.

Yet, when I conceptualize that “feeling”, it is exactly what I want! As I have written several times before, I just want to stop pretending. I am too old for the game playing. Seriously entertaining someone that is not what you ultimately want is a game for fools. I’ve wasted so much time playing make-believe—trying to create a Prince out of Frog. No matter how delightful the frog, he is still but a frog! At this point in my development, I just want to be on the same page with someone. Unfortunately, the chase can be fun but that gets old real quick. I just want someone that is loving me at the same time I am loving them and with the same intensity. I am looking to be equally yoked with someone beyond just the same level of education or similar incomes. I want us to enjoy spending time together and sharing common interest while still complimenting each other’s diversity. As the quote by Shinichi Suzuki goes…"when love is deep, much can be accomplished." All attempts made to maintain an imbalanced relationship is a huge waste and unhealthy. Instead, I want my man and me to spend that time conquering the world, if you will.

But now the question becomes, how do you know when you and your partner have reached that equilibrium? Especially when there are countless people out there, like me, the girl in She’s Out of My League, and the new wife in SATC, that will fake it until they make it. Some people will do anything to avoid their biggest fear of being hurt by the one they loved MORE.

In the movie she ended up actually falling in love with the Joe…but it was just that—a movie! However, I believe I can have my happy ending too! I just have to get out of my own way and turn the page!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

The S.B.

The Rules of Disengagement

When you divorce the law is there to provide you with guidelines and provisions. They tell you who gets what. What interactions should and should not occur between parties, especially in cases where a third party is involved i.e. children. In high profile divorces, the court can even tell you what you can and cannot discuss following the split. There are people getting in trouble right now for tweeting against the law!

But what happens when there is just a mere break up? Who gets what in these instances? I have come up with some diplomatic, civil, and fair practices to prevent a break-up from becoming even messier than it already is!

Each Parties Rights and Responsibilities are as follows:

#1. Each party is entitled to soley keep the friends that they came into the relationship with, in the event of a break-up (no joint custody).

A. This is especially prominent when one party has only met the friends of their ex a handful of times and is only associated via the Ex.

B. All connections should be terminated unless said party’s relationship with ex friends was clearly established before the break-up (this is subject to the burden of proof)

i. This termination should include idle FB chitchat, attempting to make arrangements to hang out with said friends, and all other strange behavior in an attempt to stay connected with Ex via their friends. Bottom line: If you don’t even speak to your Ex, what makes you think it’s appropriate for you to consort with the friends minus the Ex; especially if the Ex is your one and only lifeline to said friends!

#2. All personal items should be removed from other party’s residence. These items should be returned in good working condition.

A. The party that left the items at the other’s house has the responsibility of making arrangements to retrieve those items.

B. Like many establishments there is a set time for retrieval or items will be discarded (may I suggest 2 weeks)

C. Please note: Retrieval should happen at the other party’s convenience since “forgetful” party no longer has the right to just show up at the Ex’s residence whenever they see fit.

#3. All debts and monies owed should be squared within 2 weeks unless otherwise agreed upon.

A. Why hold on to these debts longer than that? The debtor must ask oneself, Am I drawing this out just to have a reason to contact or see the other person again?

B. Each party should themselves of financial ties because waiting for money will always breed contempt. (In my experience, I prefer to be paid in cash, money order, or certified check!)

#4. There shall be No forlorn, wayward, or indirectly direct FB posts following the split.

A. Neither party is fooling anyone with innuendo. All third parties know what those types of statuses mean and since the splitting couple has been pictured, tagged, and linked together for the duration of the relationship, everyone knows who is being talked about!

B. Please respect the terms of the break-up by keeping it as low key as possible. A low profile will benefit both parties in the long run.

#5. Each party is expected to discretely remove all FB pictures of the two together.

A. There is no need to make an announcement to the masses about this act.

B. There is no need to use Photoshop and put a big red ex through the Ex’s face. The crop feature will work just fine in this instance, use it.

C. The end result will work out in both parties’ favor, cutting down on the, “who is that” question when either party is being FB investigated by a new prospect.

#6. There will be absolutely NO canoodling allowed.

A. The parties cannot, and I repeat CANNOT, create a Friends with Benefits situation with their Ex. Reasons:

i. It is highly unlikely that the two are actually real friends
ii. There is NO real benefit to be had.

B. Canoodling only blurs the lines, especially if one party begins seeing someone new.

C. If one party is hoping to get back together—fine! But do it the right way. One should look at a break-up as the extinguishing of the original relationship contract because— guess what—it did NOT work! The parties should start anew and revisit the place where canoodling was the anticipation!

The idea here is to leave with what you came in with—putting you back in the position you would have been in if you never met the other person at all! That works for me!

Thank you for taking the journey with me!

—The S.B.

***PS: This one is for you ZEN! You didn’t want to reveal your sources but I already knew! ;)

You Got Some Nerve!

As a blogger, Facebook and the like becomes your best friend. While doing my daily Internet rounds, I come across some of the damnedest things. My latest peruse lead me to this topic. Some of these men out here got some big balls with no shaft...figuratively not literally! But for real, they have some audacity!

It seems that as of late, social media has become the preferred platform for men to air their grievances against woman! I have taken a hard look at each of these gripes, and some I wholeheartedly understand, but then I look at the sources from which these complaints originate, and all I can say is, YOU GOT SOME DAMN NERVE!

Now these good wifey guidelines, if you will, are in no particular order. Sidebar: I hate the term 'wifey'—no woman my age is looking to be a wifey, it is wife or bust. That term is childish like calling a grown man Mikey! But I digress! However, I will use the term here because it fits in with the ridiculous.

Please note: The following statements are taken directly out of the mouths of men and I will dissect them for your entertainment!

These men believe that to be a the Good Prototypical Wifey…

1. A woman must go to the gym at least 3 times a week. This is interesting considering most requesting this are hefty themselves! I commend the effort of any man who works out sometimes twice a day but I must ask what he is really doing while there because his results are real slow! Plus, these men eat like crap—fast food, no vegetables! He wants to walk around sporting a woman that has the body of Beyoncé when he’s built like an offensive lineman with way less athleticism and NO money—not sexy! He got some nerve!

2. A woman should take care of herself—be fancy! I like this but where’s he at? He has nice shoes but a bad outfit! He wears corduroy in the summer time smelling sweaty and sour like dill pickles! Is he demanding that she have hair done, nails did, everything shaved!?! That's real rich when he’s sporting a bald spot he refuses to accept, got more dirt under his nails than a potted plant, and has so much body hair it looks like he’s wearing a freaking sweater in the shower! Really, he got some nerve!

3. A woman should show her man that she is motherly. Hilarious! I’m not his mama and I have no kids of my own! I see where he’s trying to go here but he fails. If he wants a woman to cook, clean, and wipe his tears, he needs to ask properly. Asking properly isn't about words, it means being the man he always claims to be! I have no problem catering to a man that is good to me. The problem comes when childish men command this but negate the reciprocal requirements. If I'm reduced to this narrow role of a woman and we are adopting "traditional" roles then he should be doing all the things a man is "expected" to do like paying the mortgage, footing the bill for groceries, amenities, and all utilities. While "Papa" is at it, he mustn’t forget to throw me a few dollars to get my hair and nails done! Thanks! Isn’t that the “fatherly” thing to do? These men with no jobs, unrealistic expectations, and skewed views on what a good woman is crack me up! Deep down he must know he got some nerve!

4. A woman should support all her man’s goals. I agree that a woman should support her man but not blindly. I feel that many men need to revamp their idea of what support is. Just because some chick decides to only give the “rah-rah” cheer before an interview or bakes congrats/better luck next time brownies, he should not confuse that with full support. Support is getting in the trenches and helping him obtain his goals. Support is doing the dirty work and pointing out areas of improvement whilst working with him on those deficiencies. Support is telling him the truth regardless of what is popular. So when a man says he wants a supportive woman, my questions is, “Are you strong enough to handle real support?” The man who wants to be coddled more than he wants to endeavor, he got some nerve!

5. A woman should have a low bed count. Well, well, well we have an interesting one here! I'm all about the virtuous woman but it seems that men forget all their own bed hopping when assessing a woman’s. Sorry to say, ladies bear the burden of the double standard! I have a male friend that freaked out when he found out how many men his girlfriend slept with. He was really into this girl but he told me that he didn’t want to marry a woman with more than 3 partners! But yet he still allowed himself to be her fourth! What a hypocrite! Since we’ve been friends for years, I know all about his whorish past! Hell, he had three partners in 3 days but he has the audacity to try and demoralize this girl because of her sexual past! I understand that men are territorial but that is just plain ridiculous! Unless he finds himself a virgin, which he claims not to want, he will be hard pressed to find an adult woman that fits into his mold! He has some nerve!

Ladies, here you have the short list of "guidelines" that I have complied from our male counterparts. Please believe there are several more with questionable foundations. If you are looking to be the ideal Wifey, follow these “rules” at your own risk! I do not disagree that these are valuable qualities, just make sure you check your sources first! Some men may not be deserving of your efforts...

Thank you for talking this journey with me!

—The S. B.

A Sweet Epiphany: I AM LIBERATED!

So this one is mainly for my beautiful, smart, hardworking, and SINGLE ladies over 25 but really the sentiment applies to all.

The other the day I was having one of my usual conversations with my girl, The Doc. We were doing our typical run down—how is school, work, love life? Did you hear about so and so, etc, etc…but at the end of our chat she says to me, “Girl, I don’t know what it is but you sound different?” I smile and reply, “How so?” She proceeds to tell me that I just seem to have a lot of joy in my voice, like I have a new lease on life…“you just sound so FREE!”

And just like that, an epiphany! I AM LIBERATED!

It has taken me so long to get to this point in my adult life. I’ve struggled through years of insecurity, passiveness, pretending and overcompensating in bad relationships! I’ve wore the crown of Ms. Softee Pants and seen plenty of time pass just standing on the sidelines waiting for something to happen…anything! This relates to both personal and professional aspects of my life!

In 2009, I declared that 2010 would be my year and that I would live fearlessly. That sounded cute at the time but I brought so much of the “same ole” in with the ringing of the New Year that nothing had really changed. Actually it got worse. For some reason I was confined by these thoughts that the age 29 was the 11th hour of my very being. I felt that if I don’t find my husband this year then I never would. If I didn’t start my masters program this year then I am a failure professionally. (I did however start my masters program…thank God!)

Now, I don’t talk about this much, but by the 2nd quarter of the year, I felt myself slipping into a slight depression. I really thought that I was going nuts and all my goals were just out of reach. This overwhelming melancholy was stampeding upon me even with the onset of a new relationship in the wings; a time when most people would be ecstatic. But, as my birthday approached, I became more and more desperate to fulfill my timeline and cross out items on my checklist. However, I masked it with a happy face, keeping my deep rooted fears of becoming a spinster secret.

I had once joked that I was tired of dating and whoever I was with on my 29th Birthday was going to be the one—no matter what! Jokingly I laughed, “Hey, people marry for less so I’m just going to make it happen!” Mind you, this was all in jest…so I thought! But at the first opportunity to make it a reality, I had the audacity to jump! This quickly became a disastrous decision! Not only because we rushed, but because we were just downright incompatible and as he recently pointed out to me during a heated debate, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, BOSS!” He is right, I don’t know him; I definitely was lead to believe something different than what I got!

Thinking back though, I am so grateful for that misstep and its timing! It was just the wakeup call I needed! Our relationship can be likened to the Jigsaw Killer from the movie Saw, just less gory and insane! I know you are scratching your head but follow me now. Jigsaw, after a failed suicide attempt, experienced a new respect for life. He then set out to put others through trials to help them appreciate their own lives by trying their will and testing them with their very own perceived flaws.

I hope you are still with me because, to me, this makes perfect sense. My biggest flaw in relationships is letting my fears and pressure to uphold timelines blur my focus. Our situation came at a time when I was the absolute most fearful and skeptical of my future. Unfortunately for us, there were significant downfalls during our interactions with one another. But fortunately for me, those pitfalls showed me exactly what I would not and could not settle for. I was on the brink of giving up my heart’s desires just because I was getting too old? Too tired? Too scared to wait for what God has in store for me. That is unacceptable!

But somehow, I was pulled out of the haze and faith was put on my heart! I know that my husband will find me as he should and God will ordain the rest! I know this because I am no longer walking by sight. So with that revelation I am finally FREE!

I am genuinely happy in this, my moment of singleness! It is noticeable and refreshing! And ladies, please know that Liberation is so attractive! It must be because as soon as I freed myself of many insecurities, became assertive, and learned to enjoy my beautiful life—I met someone! Now I refuse to rush this thing we’re developing or come to any conclusions! But I can say I’m content with the friendship and having the time of my life! He most definitely contributes to the type of courtship I’ve dreamt about as a youngster! (Next month—Hot Air Balloon! Who knew men outside of TV thought of that!)

So here I stand—LIBERATED, HAPPY, PATIENT! I implore all my ladies that are currently in the place I was a few months ago to Liberate yourself! Throw out the pressure of timelines, baggage, doubts, or any other constraints that keep you from living life to the fullest!

Remember Single Season:

§ Is a time to really get to know yourself.
§ Is a time explore your options .
§ Is a time to reevaluate and validate someone’s position in your life! No validation, you must find
the strength to say goodbye!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Step out on faith! Single is not a death sentence (even at 25+)…It is just the start of something great! Liberation is calling you!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

So Long Ms. Softee Pants!

"Hello. My Name is The S.B. and I am a Softee Pants!"
and for my fellow Softees out there, please relpy, "Hi S.B."

This is hard for me to admit because I pride myself on being no nonsense. I DON’T TAKE NO CRAP…so I thought…

But, upon further review, I have some pushover tendencies and I do not like it! I know somewhere, my best girlfriend, The Doc, is reading this with that, “I told to so” smirk. But the first step to recovery is admitting that you have an issue.

My issue is that I struggle with being the bad guy. No matter what, I don’t want to be looked at as this crazy bitch that ruined everything. If any of you caught the blog I wrote last night, you will notice that today it is gone. The blog was aimed at an Ex of mine that is sending me subliminal hate through innuendo on FB and other social mediums. But, I removed it because it was written out of anger and not representative of what I want to be about. Even though, every word was true, I removed it because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. But why do I care?

Though, I still feel it was the right thing to do morally, my initial thought was more about looking like a mean girl. It is easy to be seen as an evil tyrant when you are in a position of power. When he and I ended, he still wanted us to give it a go and I was the one that resisted. I knew that he wasn’t the one but instead of saying that firmly, I conceded to his wants and agreed to the “let’s take a step back in hopes of moving forward” approach. That wasn’t what I wanted but it made him more comfortable with our break and the plus was I didn’t look like the villain. This would have worked too, until he wanted to become friends with benefits…but that is a story for another time.

This Softee Pants problem has been plaguing me for years. There are countless occasions where I have found myself in peculiar situations because I didn’t want to come off a certain way. A few of these situations stick out in my mind vividly.

I found myself dating a man, whom I questioned his sexuality, about 6 months longer than I should have. I couldn’t break it off because he expressed that he was “so in love” with me and I didn’t want to break his heart—again in a position of power. The consequence of staying was that I was unable to “love” him the way he wanted and he ended up becoming verbally abusive because of it and for a while, I feared him. It should have never gotten that far.

Another incident where I let this innate need (aka SofteePantness) to protect the male ego take me over, occurred when I continued to date a guy after 10 months when he couldn’t perform at all in the bedroom (complete stage fright). I didn’t want to make him more nervous by continuously bringing up my concerns, so I laid back and waited for him to initiate the conversation. When that never happened, eventually I grew disinterested. By the time I was ready to move on, he was more into me then ever and Softee Pants me, wasted more time by hanging in an extra 1.5 months because I didn’t want to “destroy” him while he was going through tough times. When we made our finally split it was not on good terms. He hates me because he feels I left when he needed me most. This may have been avoided if I had been less yielding when the problem first began to persist…

You would think after all these years I would have learned my lesson. But even in 2010, I still struggle with this issue of being the bad guy. Hell, as I mentioned in previous blogs, I got into a relationship too soon with someone because it is what HE wanted. I wanted more time—more time to explore, date, and get to know him. He wanted the relationship right now, right now. We were on vacay with 5 days left when he asked me to be exclusive—how could I say NO at that juncture! But I should have because here we are today—me not speaking to him and him using FB as a launching pad for his Kanye Heartbreak and 808s Hate Campaign against me.

I am now learning that it is not “nice” to be Mrs. Nice Gal at the expense of honesty. I have hurt people, myself included, by trying to spare feelings and save face—convincing myself that I can adapt to the any situation as long as they are happy. Regrettably, that never works! You have to make yourself happy first!

I think the hearts of the Softee Pants types are in the right place. But we all know that the path to destruction is usually paved with good intentions. My intentions are intact but my methods need improvement, so from this day on, no more Ms. Softee Pants! I now prefer to be called Ms. Do-the-Right-Thing!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.


***PS: The pic is just for you Doc ;)

The Kissing Game

I have been dating this guy for the past month now. So far we have been on 10 dates…yeah 10 dates! Real ones at that! We’ve been bowling, to the zoo, a comedy show, amusement park, and a festival in the park to name a few. These dates have all been his idea and he takes charge of the planning, transportation, and, most times, the bill! [I’ve paid on a few occasions because so far, he deserves it—topic for another blog]

Of course, like with any new friendships, I have some concerns which I will also address in a later blog. But for right now, I am having fun! So much so, that I really want to move slow and savor each moment. Being that I just came out of a situation, I do not want to complicate things sooner than necessary. This leads me to the point of this post.

Is it weird that we have not kissed yet? Am I moving too slowly? What if we go for it and he is not a good kisser? And, once you have kissed someone, doesn’t the following question inevitably become “what’s next?”

I can sense that he really wants this kiss, but I am extra shy about it. There is a lot of pressure surrounding this rather simple act of affection. I like where we are right now; our connection is so pure and innocent. I am not ready to make the tough decisions that follow once things get physical. I am concerned this little disply will open the flood gates and I will be thrust into something complex. Like Ryan Leslie says, “Once the freakin’ begins, that’s the end of the innocence.”

Maybe this seems elementary. I’m sure some of you are probably thinking C’mon S.B.! It’s just a Kiss! It’s not that serious! Well, unfortunately, at this phase of my life, it is for me! Let’s break a few things down shall we! These are reasons why I am hesitant:

1. I am not particularly big on kissing. Well, let me clarify, I am not big on mouth-to-mouth action with just anybody. The mouth gets around and can be dirty. When I am doing some serious DNA swapping, it is very intimate; I am exchanging a major part of myself! I like to kiss fresh mouths, with soft lips, that haven’t been pressed against several people I know. If any of these things are in question, I am easily turned off.

2. He finds my coyness to be sweet and intriguing…for now. I find that men try harder to thrive in an environment where they are presented with a challenge. Giving into him too quickly may make him lose interest but so could dangling the carrot for too long. This is balancing act I must master. I want us both to get what we want, but in a timely fashion suitable to our needs.

3. He brought up the topic of the “perfect kiss”. He said he never had a Hustle n Flow/Taraji n Terrence type of kiss. If I have, I can’t remember it. But the perfect kiss for me is passionate—sweet but firm; more lip than tongue. What if he is sloppy or rushed? I would hate to second guess our connection at this stage because he is a poor performer. I believe you can find a lot of clarity in a kiss. Plus, if the intensity of our kissing reaches the movie status, what would prevent him from attempting to lay me down? Will shear will-power be enough to stop me? Leading me to my next point…

4. How long (measured in months and days) can I really expect to be kissing up on this man and heavy petting until some sex or expectation of sex is going to be had? Dry humping and getting all worked up for nothing is for teenagers. At this age, why put myself in this situation if I’m firm on my intentions. And speaking of intentions…

5. Sex or even the discussion of sex will always bring up the topic of monogamy! I am in no rush for that considering I am still in casual dating mode, still flirting with The Flame and lightly entertaining the pursuit of an old homeboy, The Artist. Right through here, it’s just not looking like I will be ready to “get busy” anytime soon nor am I looking to call yet another man I’m unsure of my boyfriend. Plus, I have a ‘one penis at a time’ rule and in this instance, I am, kind of, still holding out for a fantasy romp with The Flame. He has been on my bucket list of sorts since 1999! [only half joking...lol]

Hopefully, now you understand with I’m at an impasse. My hang out partner extraordinaire saw me and Mr. 10 Dates together the other night. We both noticed how much attention he gets from the ladies and with a side eye, she told me not to rush to any conclusions. Just have fun and go with the flow. Doing what I feel is right should lead me in the right direction. Good advice, but I know I don’t have forever before the stream dries up! In an attempt to live without walls, maybe I can give a little. *kanye shrug*

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

'Cure' the Lazy Man

From the title, you know this post is going to be controversial! Men are going to completely hate it but as they say nowadays…It is what it is!!!

In all honesty, I am not a fan of the word “training” when it comes to a man. It makes him sound like some kind of a pet and no real woman wants a sappy little puppy! A Real woman wants a helpful, thoughtful, proactive MAN!

With that being said, there has got to be some type of “cure” for the deliberately indolent couch potato! So when asked, ‘Can you really cure a man of that terrible disease called laziness?’ My answer remains, ‘I don’t know but I sure as hell will try!’ [mischievous smile]

PLEASE NOTE: These methods should be attempted only after you've had a sit down, adult-to-adult discussion about the indiscretion(s). Attempt this after lightweight pleading via the reminder system. Attempt these methods after you've gotten mad and nagged him half to death! And if the problem still persists after you've tried all of this…it's about time to bust out the Big Guns!!!

And thus the social experiment begins…

Situation #1: THE DON’T GOT HIS OWN GUY
He is the guy that comes over to your house and uses up whatever you got! For instance, he might not normally drink Gin, but if you got it, it’s his favorite! He likes Heineken, you got Corona, nooo problemo! He ‘don’t do pork’, but if you fry it up, all of a sudden, bacon’s yummy! Whatever it is that you got, He Likes! And he will use it up, cause well, it's free and convenient!

My Experience: I have dated this guy before! My most recent encounter was with a guy, I was seeing exclusively, that lightweight moved in on the sneak tip, staying way longer than the short visit I had anticipated! As time passed, I noticed that I was replacing my Dove soap way more rapidly than normal! Looking into his packed bag, I noticed nary a tube of toothpaste, bottle of lotion, or deodorant! So what was he planning to use? You guessed it...my stuff! And for the record, he is a BIG guy—stocky, tall, and grizzly bear hairy! How the hell did he think that Citrus Ginger Moisturizing soap and deodorant was enough to knock out MAN FUNK! But he didn't care! It was there...so why not! I can't even begin to list all the other household items, food and beverage he ran through without even thinking to replace!

Possible Cure: If you are in a relationship like this. I suggest that you get a shower caddy, like back in those college days! Put all of your favorite things in that caddy! Make sure that when you leave the bathroom you remove the caddy and store it away, out of sight! When he goes to take his shower, he will be S.O.L! He'll have to fend for himself with hot water and a paper towels! Maybe after he wears that funk for a few hours, he will think to get his own toiletries! Note: This can work in other areas too! You will have to commit to hiding things around the house, which sucks for you—believe me, I know! But, if you want to cure him of his dependency, you will have to push the bird out the nest and see if he prospers!

Situation #2: THE HANSEL/GRETEL GUY
This is the guy that leaves sh!t everywhere he steps! Tell-tale signs that "He Was Here" are everywhere! He leaves clothes, food, and just mess all over the place like he is leaving a trail to find his way...out the damn door! Dirty dishes can be found in the most obscure places like under the bed or in the garage! WHY!?! How hard is it to throw used wrappers and containers away? Why leave empty bottle in the refrigerator? This right here is Grade A Laziness! You find yourself following down behind him picking up crap! All the while trying to stifle the colossal 'cuss out' you're on the verge of giving and asking yourself if this is the life you want?

My Experience: I once dated a man that was just disgusting when it can to this! I would find offensive smelling undergarments and half eaten food all over his house! I bought him a laundry hamper but to no avail. When he would come over to my, then, one bedroom apartment, I would sniff out his funky worn socks all over the place—in the sheets, under the couch cushions, middle of the floor, and I even once found a dirty ass sock on my kitchen counter! That was the last straw! I decided at that moment he must not care about his stuff! I began picking up and throwing away—socks by the dozen, draws, and yes, even a Ralph Lauren Polo! Not saying I was right but I'll be damned, his dumb butt didn't even notice...talking about, "I think the dryer is eating my socks! Ha Ha!" Ugh...Men!

Possible Cure: If this sounds familiar, may I suggest that you really get him acquainted with his clutter and dirt! You might want to think about where his favorite place in the house is or his favorite thing, once you've identified it, let the experiment begin! As you collect items from the trail that he has carelessly cast along his way, start to pile them up in his favorite room. Put them on that chair he loves so much! Stack them up so high he can't see the TV, find the remote, or the play the PlayStation without rummaging through the mess! Hopefully, once he gets a whiff of the stinch or a damn bug comes flying out, he will discover the trash can and eureka!, the washer/dryer! Note: Do this at your own risk and to the level you can stand! If you are OCD this may not work. But if you want order, you may have to teach his butt this lesson!

Situation #3: THE "THAT'S WOMAN'S WORK" GUY
So we all know this one! He feels that anything domestic is woman's work! He will not cook a meal. He will not go grocery shopping. He will not do the wash dishes. If he does, he will do it half-ass so you won't ask him again! Reminds me of an episode of 'Everyone Loves Raymond' where Debra busts Ray for half-assing it when she needed help planning a wedding. This guy is the worst because not only is he lazy but he is also misogynistic!

My Experience: I remember one time I was talking to my co-worker, married with teenage boys, who was getting ready to go away on an all girls cruise! She was talking about doing last minute shopping for the trip and I said, "You got a lot going on! Plus, you got to go grocery shopping for the boys! Wow!" She said, "Girl! I ain't doing nothing extra for those grown behind men! They get potatoes and toilet paper! They can take it from there." I definitely laugh out loud and it got me thinking...hmm...

Possible Cure: If you got one of these 'I'm Man! Hear me Growl' types, here are some options. 1. If he won't cook. Wait until a day you are running late so you can draw it out! Walk in the door, give him a kiss and get right in the kitchen! Cook the meal of a lifetime but only ONE portion, make your plate, and sit down! We he comes over inquiring about dinner, sweetly say, "Aw baby! I thought you already ate! I could've sworn I smelled food when I got in! Sorry, but I left the spices, pots and pans out for you!" 2. If he won't go grocery shopping, make sure you DO NOT go shopping before a long trip, see how long he survives! 3. If he won't thoroughly wash dishes, make sure you serve his food or drink out of ones he has 'washed'! If he complains it looks dirty say, "Aw Babe, you washed them so I have faith they are clean!" Note: This may seem passive aggressive but you've tried everything else, right? So, no more arguments necessary, don't tear him down with words, build him up throw his own actions!

Now, at the end of the day, these 'cures' may or may not work but if you've exhausted all other efforts, what does it hurt to try these? And if you find that laziness is deeply embedded into his core and he has an attitude that says, I'll do what I want, when I want...Deal with it!, you may want to reevaluate yourself and what you deserve!

Leaving him IS an option. What 'cure' can leave a longer lasting effect than that?

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Pacta Sunt Servanda (Promises Ought to be Kept)

So, I’m thinking about suing my EX for breach of our relationship contract! I know you are thinking that I am crazy but hear me out.

I have been studying contracts pretty heavy for the past few days. The more and more I read the more I thought about him! Especially when words like 'future', 'promise', and 'commitment' kept popping up. These are words that we often exchanged during our time together. And more importantly, we said them with smiles in anticipation of our life together in years to come.

My Ex had promised me a future together. The terms of our relationship were as follows...Since we were long distance, we committed to a schedule of visitation. We had drawn up a plan to visit each other bi-weekly. Every other visit he would come to see me. This schedule was to last for 1 year. At which time, I would begin to look for employment in his city. The agreement was that I would not move if I was only 'a girlfriend', so we both understood the expectation. When he asked me to commit to being with him exclusively, he expressed his interest in marriage and stated that he would like to be engaged in no more than a year and a half's time. I liked the terms of our contract, so I entered into the agreement and immediately began fulfilling my duties.

As we enacted the terms of our agreement by keeping in daily contact, he literally promised me his maximum effort. He promised to always press through the trying times, and in the spirit of naïveté that comes at the expense of young love, he promised to be the father of my future children; he promised to one day be my loving husband and provider.

After only a few months of commitment, he terminated our contract on the grounds that keeping up his end of the bargain was "too hard". Now that the contract is breached...I am left holding the bag? What are my rights? If contract law is set to protect one's "expectation" interest, then shouldn't he owe me something???? I mean really, I spent money, time, effort, and opportunity cost all in an attempt to not only keep up my end of the deal but to ultimately secure our future.

As, I scrolled through pages of research, I learned that a contract must involve three things: a future plan/action (check...we had that), a commitment (check...we had that) and an exchange of measurable losses (check...I think). I was not sure about what my measurable losses were until I dug deeper. As I looked through the details—the emails, texts, and countless IMs that evidenced , in writing, our contract—I realized that I had a considerable amount of losses and many of them were monetarily measurable:

• Gas for the 3 times I visited ($2.79/gallon; 4 full tanks)—$167.40
• Tolls ($8.40 each way)—$50.40


• Gifts I would not have bought if not under contract (CD-$12.99, Case of beer-$35.00, Wine set-$39.99)—$87.98


• Concert Tickets (artist: Maxwell; $65/ticket, he never reimbursed me)—$130.00


• Work as Bartender/Cook for his Birthday Party ($18/hour for 12hrs)—$216.00


• Little Bissell purchase to remove dog's stain on rugs—$89.99


• Tears and Suffering (I am claiming the half day I had to take off because he broke up with me while I was at work and other miscellaneous retail therapy cost)—$508.23

Now, I know the judge may think that some of these promises are not enforceable! The jury may just chalk it up to any other social agreement gone awry...but I believe I am entitled to the sum of these damages.

Even if nothing comes of the suit, the look on his face will be PRICELESS! He will think about it the next time he starts tossing out frivolous promises! So, since we had a contract...

Mr. Contract Breacher, you are being sued by The Serial Bachelorette for damages in the amount $1250.00...(is that all our relationship was worth? he should just give me that out of good faith)...

YOU HAVE BEEN SERVED!!!

Thanks for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

The 1 Year Mark!

Yup...it has been one year since I officially became The Serial Bachelorette! I am not sure how to commemorate this moment! Should I be celebrating this occasion or just trying to quietly figure out how I even got here!

Well what I do know is, one year ago today, I broke up with the should-be love of my adult life. I wrote about him in my first blog, 'Stop Fantasizing!'

Now that you read that, there is no need to give him more air time in this post than he has earned! Three month of courtship followed by a pitiful (2) weeks of a 'serious' relationship only gives you a quick blurb! Enough for me to say...I dodged a bullet there, he talked about marriage and kids within the next 1.5 years max...well his current girlfriend is 22! You tell me how serious he was about that? All talk no action!

Anywho, moving right along...I have decided to do my year in review to catch everyone up on my journey from that tough break up to the place I am right now! Single, Sexy, and FREE-ing myself from the confines of my teenage fantasies! It all began in...

August 2009:
The day after my breakup, I get a call from an old friend! He seems to fancy me and he, for the moment, takes my mind off of the break up. He is a good guy but long distance. I decide to keep in touch because I could really use the friendship.

September 2009:
I re-meet a gorgeous guy from several month prior. We exchange information and go out on a date. He claims to 'love' me from date 1. That's weird but he is FINE so I keep in contact!

I, also, employ my 'Fearless' motto and in the spirit of taking charge, I finally cop to having a 10 year old flame that has been burning with a college crush (aka The Flame as I will refer to him from now on)

October 2009-December 2009:
This was a busy month! Old Friend sends for me to come visit him and plans a lovely weekend! It is so nice of a trip that I drive back up there the very next weekend! There is some chemistry but in all honesty the specs of the relationship are too similar to the one I just had with my ex...factor in the distance, and yeah, friendship is the only thing on the menu!

Back at home I have a juggling act...phone bonin' everyday with The Flame and a myriad of experiences with the guys from the Me & My Crazy World and the Double Date blogs!

January 2010:
I have a new lease on my dating life! FEARLESS...I declare 2010 as my year! Things are developing with The Flame, as planned. Even though, he is out of commission until March, due to work obligations, we speak every night and plan to see each other as soon as possible! He does however hit me with 'the disclaimer'! You know the one..."I am focusing on my career right now! Not looking for a girlfriend!" But, yet and still, these men want boyfriend privileges...smh...

February 2010:
The Flame has my complete attention. Even though he's far away, no one compares! Period! No one is giving me that giddy feeling but him! That is until a random college acquaintance appears on the scene and begins to pursue me relentlessly!

March 2010-May 2010:
The battle is on between The Flame and The Newcomer! I still want The Flame but The Newcomer's game is strong! Clearly, he's a competitor but nature. After months, I finally meet up with The Flame, and from the moment we hugged and I inhaled his fragrance, I feel the spark, he gives me those butterflies! BUT, his nonchalance coupled with 'the disclaimer' worry me. Unfortunately, I think I have to let him go...no matter how much I want him!

June 2010:
The Newcomer pushes for the relationship! I am not ready but I relent! A million thoughts race through my mind all at once; so loud I can't hear myself answer! Can I make this work? Is he really the one? Am I jumping the gun? Am I settling? I honestly don't know...but, with hesitation, I leap!

July 2010:
Damn! It didn't work! We are not compatible...he's strong 'game' did not cross over to a 'strong' reality! We're over...for good...I think...The Serial Bachelorette lives...

August 2010:
The here and now! Oh boy...it has been one hell of a ride, peppered with so many stories and revelations (that I will share)...

As for me, I currently have a few irons in the fire! I've been asked out on a series of REAL dates, finally, by a nice gentleman. Out of nowhere, The Flame is back in the picture, still giving me those butterflies and I've been fielding calls from a few other prospects...

I guess I am hot again! Go me!

But wait, it just hit me...what time of the year is it again!?! Sh!t! It is almost Fall, I might only be in demand because of those damn Winter Wars...again!

I want thank all of those that stuck with me throughout this 1st year! There are MANY more stories, advice, and off beat opinions to come!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

When Love Calls Your Name

A few weeks ago, I went to the beautiful wedding of my close friend that I consider my big sister. This wedding was long awaited for the bride, of course, and for her close family and friends that have been with her through several would-be relationships that never amounted to much.

On the night before the wedding, I got to sit down with her to talk about her fiancé and their courtship, the EX that I thought she would marry, her son, and all the crazy details in between. The question I wanted her to answer most was, “how did you know he was the one?”

In all seriousness, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Girl…When Love calls your name…you listen!” She explained that she had built up a wall over the years and he came in and destroyed it! This is hard to do because Big Sis is a beautiful, confident, talented, and sassy woman! She is also bossy as hell! She knows this about herself and when she spoke of their romance she mentioned that in the beginning she had tried to ‘overpower’ him and he quickly but respectfully shut that down. She heard love calling right then.

As she talked, I began to smile. I smiled because I was so happy for her but my smile also disguised the wheels turning in my head. See, as she chatted I was calculating. I was calculating her age against mine, her dating experiences verses mine, her love timeline to mine. And as I listened to her recap and summarize her season, more like ERA, of singleness, I ran the numbers in my head, and came to the conclusion that MY love life is on a similar trajectory as hers; for a moment I was saddened. I know you wonder why I would be sad considering her story is ending with love and marriage, but let consider a few things, shall we…

Big sis is a full 10 years older than me, making her 39! This was her second engagement but first marriage. She has one child, from a previous long term relationship with the man I always thought she would marry. As I stated before, she is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and she is very successful in both her professional and personal endeavors. She is funny, witty, and sociable. And the two of us agreed a long time ago that I’m just like her just 10 years removed! So now that you have this background, maybe you can understand why I was taken aback by the revelation that her path to the altar was a very long one.

Truth is, I DON’T WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG FOR LOVE TO CALL MY DAMN NAME! I am not trying to make a case for settling, but it’s hard to ignore the facts. At the wedding, there was a tradition among friends for the most recent bride to present the current bride with a wedding bell and pearls of wisdom pertaining to marriage. This was very sweet, but the most recent bride was significantly younger than my big sis. Hell, I am pretty sure she was younger than me too! When the recent bride gave her pearls of wisdom, she spoke on how my big sis had actually mentored her and had given her pearls to live by! Isn’t that the way it should be? Shouldn’t the older person be the one speaking from the position of experience? I know this isn’t always the case, but I became uncomfortable with the sidebar conversations amongst the crowd that clearly illustrated that everyone had noticed that my big sis had definitely waited longer than expected to become a MRS; too long by some accounts! The word “finally” was used more that night than the bride and groom’s names combined!

Another thing to consider is the fact that I want children! I want to have them BEFORE I am 35. I realized that that is not a drop dead age but I want to be an active mother. My Big Sis had her son at 34 and I at times wonder if that actually made it easier for her to wait for Mr. Right instead of forcing feelings with the father. I say this only because once she managed ‘co-parenting’ her son without old boy being a husband, she felt no pressure to settle for less than her heart’s desire. I don’t feel I have the option of not worrying about my future partner because I cannot imagine having a baby without a husband. Even though I know in my heart of hearts in can be done since I know some dynamic single moms that sacrifice and make it happen every day! My mother is a testament to that but the truth is, it would have been a hell of a lot easier with some help!

So now I am caught is a conundrum…to settle or not to settle, that is the question! Do I settle with a reliable guy that is cool but doesn’t give me that fever? Do I go with that safe guy that will make a good business partner because I know he will be a decent father and provider? Do I settle down right now with an OKAY guy so I won’t be looked at as too picky and just another black successful unmarried woman statistic? Or do I wait until love calls my name? I believe a case could be made for either. People have gotten married for less right…

But as I seat in my pew, I was brought to tears after hearing the vows that Big Sis prepared for her husband promising not only to love and keep him but to love his children as her own, she trusts him and is willing to follow him to the ends of the earth. She thanked his mother for raising him to be a loving, caring, devoted, and passionate man! At that moment, I had the answer! I had witnessed pure unadulterated LOVE…and I’d wait forever for that…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

Women 'Say When' to Sex, Men 'Say When' to the Relationship

After a brief courtship, and I use that term loosely, with this guy I was seeing...I'll call him Fun Times, I had a rather profound conversation with my very close girlfriend, The Doc. I could not understand why this guy was so adverse to any mention of commitment and relationships! She told me to think about this concept—Women, for the most part, get to decide when it is time to have sex and Men, get to decide when it is time to be 'in a relationship'! This really resonated with me because I had never quite thought of it that way but, in my experience, it has proven to be very true.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder what comes first. Traditionally, you would believe that a solid relationship should lead to sex. However, if you are brutally honest with yourself, you know that this concept is becoming increasingly more antiquated. This is the typical, Chicken before the Egg dilemma. How do you achieve the relationship before the sex, when some men won't get into relationship without a sex 'test drive'? How do you achieve the relationship before the sex when so many women have been taught to believe that good sex is the way to get him and better and more frequent sex is the way to keep him?

On the flip side, if you subscribe to this 'Say When' concept, then the way women covet their bodies and sex is equal to how men covet their time and commitment to relationships. So, a woman continuously 'encouraging' (aka pressuring) a man to make a determination on the status of their relationship is the equivalent of a man pressuring a woman for sex before she is ready! In this society, we deem a man like this to be a villain! He would be an insensitive JERK! But what do we call the woman, who has the same level of intolerance?

This is a heavy concept because I sit on the fence. When I was hanging out Fun Times, we would talk about the idea of relationships often. He made it clear to me from the very beginning that he was not necessarily looking for a relationship right away. He wanted to have fun and see where that takes us. I agreed with him about having fun and moving slowly. However, I also let him know, with assertiveness, that this, in no way, means that he gets an infinite amount of time to make a decision. But, if he in turn said to me, "I am okay with us waiting awhile to have sex but I'm not going to wait FOREVER!"; would that have been okay? Or would it have sounded inconsiderate and more like a warning or even a threat? Hmm...

As the friendly 'dates' start to add up, Fun Times seemed to get more touchy feely. The innocent pecks became deeper kisses and eventually he just put it out there that he wanted me naked and he wanted me naked NOW! So, what better time than that to discuss what we type of 'friends' he wanted us to be. As soon as I mentioned the dreaded R-word he tensed up and somewhat fell out of the mood! He felt pressured! See, he wanted the sex but had no intention of the relationship right then. At that point, I wanted sex too but him not wanting the relationship made me feel like I was giving away free samples in a grocery store. So, he likes the sample but he's just not going to buy today? Maybe he would come back another day but there was no insurance, so we had to pump the brakes! We pumped them because now, I felt pressured to have sex to get him to even consider the relationship. And as I've said before, I am not trying to run up my numbers for nothing! All sex will be on MY terms! (and that is exactly the point)

Since we all want things on our terms, be it sex or relationship...how do we come to an agreement with others? How do we state our intentions without making our partner feel pressured? Can you put a timeline on when you should succumb to a sexual rendezvous or when you should change your status to 'in a relationship'? And who get to choose when time's up?

Thank you for taking this journey with me! Relax, Relate, Release...

—The S.B.