What is He Waiting For?

So as you know, I’ve been happily dating for a while now! Nothing too serious with any one person but just dating in general. And actually, the term "dating" may not be broad enough. There’s only one person that I’m seeing with any consistency; that I actually make plans with and carve out time for but there are others that I just “talk to”. You know a little conversation /G-chat here or dinner and a movie there! Very casual, very friendly—nothing physical—just getting to know you! But the reason it’s so causal is because no one is READY!!!

When I say ready, I am talking about ready to lock it down and create something special. All of them talk about love and wanting a wife someday, etc…but none of them are actually ready to DO anything to about it—and I am baffled by this. Now see, please understand that I do not date young boys. I date men, over thirty! Now the young ones are fun and cute and I do have fantasies of becoming a PUMA…but I digress, I date men 30 and over because I expect them to be stable and pass that playboy state. But boy have I been wrong! Almost every man that I know, just friend or future foe, all sing the same damn song—I’m just not ready for a girlfriend right now! And to that I say, “What exactly are you waiting for?”

Seriously, I understand that some mean may be at a crossroads. They may not have a job in this tough economy, just got out of a long term relationship, or they are working out their sexual orientation—and to those men I give a pass! Do you! Go ahead and get yourself together! But for ALL of the other over 30, single, employed, straight brothas out there with a good woman waiting in the wings—What are you REALLY waiting for?

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a theory on this! I say to my girls all of the time, You have to catch a man when his light is on (SATC reference)—just like a cab, but you better be on the lookout for that busted wheel and bent up fender! These men out here are riding their singleness until the wheels fall off!

Think about it, men love women; better yet they love the attention they get from women! As long as that attention is coming in droves, they are not fixing to settle down. Men that I have conversed with say things like, “I’m waiting until at least 35 to get married.” Why? Do they think that miraculously by that age they’re going to be tired of "new booty"? No, it is because they know by that age they are less likely to be getting the same attention! They are waiting until the 11th hour of their sexy! They are not waiting until the well of beautiful women runs completely dry, but they are waiting for the trickledown effect! These men know when they are not getting as many numbers as they once were on Friday nights! They notice when that handsome young 23 year old stud, who may even play in the NFL, starts to pluck from their tree. This is when they get scared and realize they can’t have ‘em all! <--Drake done lied to them!

So to put it bluntly, these men are waiting until they get FAT, BALD, and/or just plain UGLY before they hang it up! I know some will disagree but I have a prime example. This guy, big time playboy and local IT man about town, that I used to be head over heels for has recently started contacting me again. I thought that it was odd when he called out of the blue but I was happy to hear his voice. We decided to meet up for cocktails, and as soon as he came around that bend, I saw exactly why he was so eager to catch up with me! He looked old enough to be his own father! He had gained a few pounds in the abdomen area, was clearly suffering from male pattern baldness that he had the audacity to try and hide with a comb over (black man no-no), and he was graying in the beard! Now to understand how disturbing this is and how hard it must be for him swallow, you have to understand that this man has been FINE his whole life! Never had a problem with the ladies, was prom king, most popular, class president and homecoming king in both high school and college. When I was hanging on to his every word about 5 years ago, just hoping he would choose me to be his girl, he told me that he wasn’t settling down until he was 40. Well now that he is in his early 30s but looking more like 45, he has changed his tune!

See, not to pat myself on the back but I am appreciating with the years and so are many of my girls! While we are growing into our grown woman sexy fashionista selves, (MAC, fly party dresses, and regular trips to the salon) some of these men are getting cornered in a dark alleyway by Father Time! And when that happens, that is when they want to start grabbing on to the women who have loved them through all of those BS mackadocious, I-don’t-want-a-girlfriend-right-now years! But is that really fair to us! Why do we only get him after he has lost his hair, lost his six pack, and lost his teenage, barely-legal girlfriend? But has gained 2 kids, an ex wife, crazy baby mama, family court debt, overall drama and a grumpy disposition! Ain’t that some ish!!!

But there us women are, open arms and loving that man, whenever he is finally ready! Damn, men got it good…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.

2010 (Love) Lessons Learned

So I know that it is the 3rd week of 2011 but believe it or not I am still reflecting upon some important lessons I learned in 2010 and the past decade as a whole—love lessons. I went into last year with a mindset that “2010 is MY year…boom or BUST”. At the time I didn’t realize how much pressure I had put on myself. But even through the ups and the downs of 2010, I take with me some valuable perspectives on love life, dating liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

THE FIRST LESSON: TRUE LOVE IS WORTH WAITING FOR

In a past blog post, I wrote about my big sis that got married for the first time at age 39. She is blissfully happy because she refused to compromise. Although, I hope Mr. Right finds me before another decade has passed us by, I know now that anything less than your heart’s desire is not worth it. It’s simply a waste of precious time that you could be using to prepare yourself—mind, body, and soul—for Mr. Right. Throughout the better part of 2010, I tried pushing a square peg into a round hole, or better yet, I pushed a round peg into a square hole. See, with the latter, it may seem to “fit” but in reality there is still vacant space that has yet to be fulfilled. And why would someone want to continue on in a relationship where they have to wonder every day, “Is this the day I’ll finally fall for this guy?” Well, men are not mushrooms; they shouldn’t just ‘grow’ on you like a fungus! In my firm opinion, there should be an initial spark of attraction. This spark should draw you in and intrigue you enough to elicit some type of response—this is passion. If you don’t have it, and you enter into a relationship with trepidation, you are likely to fail! Point-blank period! The fear of that ticking biological clock should not be your sole decision maker! True love has to be worth at least an exercise in patience.

THE SECOND LESSON: BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO BUT DEAL BREAKERS ARE NECESSARY

In 2010, I’ve had to bid adieu to a couple of would-be relationships—the second more difficult than the first. Even though we were only dating and not “official” yet, I really was starting to open myself up to the idea of US. He is a great guy despite the fact he is not formally educated and already has a child. Both these situations were previously so-called deal-breakers that I broke more than I enforced. But when I finally learned the meaning of a true deal-breaker, I let him go. See, notwithstanding the fact we had lots of fun together and he always made me feel safe, when I learned that he had great doubts about ever getting married yet wanted more children, I knew that there was no further growth for US. When a man speaks like this you have to take him at face value. Though there is a slight chance he may someday change his mind, I know I won’t wake up 2 years later as baby momma wondering if he will ever commit. I heard him loud and clear—he was not the one. In the words of Omarosa, “I’m sorry but you cannot close this deal!”

THE THIRD LESSON: THOU SHALL NOT COVET THE SEEMINGLY PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS OF OTHERS

This is a biggie. As I entered into 2010, I would sit back and think of all the couples I knew and wondered what I was doing differently that caused me not to have a man like them. I compared my "serial bachelorette-ness" to my friends and acquaintances that seemed to have it all together, maintaining loving relationships for years, while I was lucky to even be on speaking terms with my guy after 6 months. But, as the tide changes, we learn that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. 2010 brought to light the demise of some of the very relationships that I thought were so rock solid, that I had many times wished to emulate with my guy. I have seen some of these people commit the most egregious acts against their partner—including blatant lies, disloyalty, and manipulation. Though all relationships are different the one consistent area is that people allow you to see only what they are comfortable with. Think about a time when you were going through it with your man; you tried to put up a strong united front, didn’t you? You only put the pictures up that showed you two laughing, smiling, and hugged up. Hell, even when you and your man finally called it quits, you probably didn’t change that status right away. Why? Because none of us want to fail in relationships and especially not for all to see! So my take away from this is, count your blessing. Everything happens for a reason and that reason is unique to you. If you are coveting someone else’s situation, be aware that you are wishing for the whole thing…the bad comes with the good. So, stay in your lane, keep your focus on you, and only desire to be a better woman for your very own Mr. Right!

And on an additional side note: Don’t let those in “the perfect couple” judge your single status. Sometimes, single folks have a tendency to be shut down when giving their opinion on love and made to feel embarrassed by the fact that they have yet another ex. Just because you are not in a couple doesn’t mean that you are fickle or can’t keep a man. Sometimes you should be congratulated for not sticking in a bad relationship just to prove a point. When dealing with the airs of the “perfect couple”, consider that quite often we single folks want to be them when all the while, they want to be free like us! Just a thought…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S. B.

A Fine Southern Gentlemen

Happy New Year All! Sorry for the long hiatus but I have really been busy lately! Some good busy and some stressful busy but busy nonetheless! I hope everyone had an eventful new year! I definitely did! I took my “talents” to the ATL and had a great time. I am trying to figure out why I am not currently living there! It was just a really refreshing to spend time with so many like minded folks!

During my time there I was most impressed with a gentleman I met! And I do mean gentleman in every sense of the word. He was not necessarily trying to get on me nor was I on him but that didn’t stop me from liking what I was seeing. It was reassuring to discover that Southern Hospitality really does exist! All these years I thought it was just the title of a Ludacris track—and a straight up myth! But lo and behold there are actually still some great and genuine brothers out there, mostly congregating in the region where that noticeably sexy slow drawl is prevalent, and they call themselves southern gentlemen.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to move south and scoop him up, I just like his style. In my last blog post, I wrote about the guy I’m currently seeing who also just so happens to be a southern gentleman that opens doors, makes you feel safe and secure, and knows how to court a woman but I met him under completely different circumstances—he was definitely trying to get at me! But, this guy, Mr. Southern Charm, he was thoughtful and considerate before he even laid eyes on me. He truly does nice things out of the goodness of his heart and it comes off so natural and sincere. He went out of his way to make sure that my girlfriend and I were comfortable and taken care of all weekend just because his best friend, who likes my girlfriend, asked him to.

On the night that we arrived, we went to a hotel room and waited for our fguy riend to get off work. Since my girl and I are out-of-towners, he asked Mr. Southern Charm to check on us and make sure we were straight and didn’t need anything. Not long after we got there, we heard a knock on the door and in comes Mr. Southern Charm with all our favorite beverages including champagne (Rosé of course), juice, water, and snacks. He apologized about not being able to stay long because he had somewhere to be but he still had a drink and conversed with us and asked us countless times if we needed anything at all. If one of us even tried to lift a finger, such as to get ice, he stopped us and said, “No, no, I got it. You just relax and enjoy yourself.” I thought he was sweet at that point but that was only just the beginning. He became our chauffeur for the weekend, never complaining once even though I came to find out he lived almost an hour away. The average guy does not go out of his way for women, especially ones he does not know.

The next day, at my sorority sister’s house, after we ate, he automatically helped clean up and took all of her trash out without anyone even thinking about it. I watched him go out of his way to carrying in all of our bags from car in the rain. He was my personal Fonzworth Bentley, holding an umbrella over my head and lifting me over puddles so my suede shoes didn’t get ruined. And the cherry on top of it all is that not only is he a gentleman but he is also learned, disciplined, and God-fearing. We had hours of stimulating conversation about everything from Apartheid to Zane novels. Being in his presence was just so…easy.

Who knew a friend of a friend of a friend would end up being the highlight of my trip!?! And like I said before, not because he was trying to get on me but because of the faith he restored in my when it comes to black men. Could it be true…there are good ones out there that know how to treat a lady whether or not they are trying to get in her pants??? Intelligent men with jobs, no kids, and spirituality are still available???? What!?! I’m shocked but pleasantly surprised! Now only if he didn’t live 700 miles away! Thank goodness I found a southern gentleman up North…now only if he didn’t live 2 hours away! Makes you begin to think there is something special in the water below the Mason-Dixon Line! Or maybe it is just a sign that I need to move in order to find true love! The things that make you go hmmm…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S.B.