2010 (Love) Lessons Learned

So I know that it is the 3rd week of 2011 but believe it or not I am still reflecting upon some important lessons I learned in 2010 and the past decade as a whole—love lessons. I went into last year with a mindset that “2010 is MY year…boom or BUST”. At the time I didn’t realize how much pressure I had put on myself. But even through the ups and the downs of 2010, I take with me some valuable perspectives on love life, dating liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

THE FIRST LESSON: TRUE LOVE IS WORTH WAITING FOR

In a past blog post, I wrote about my big sis that got married for the first time at age 39. She is blissfully happy because she refused to compromise. Although, I hope Mr. Right finds me before another decade has passed us by, I know now that anything less than your heart’s desire is not worth it. It’s simply a waste of precious time that you could be using to prepare yourself—mind, body, and soul—for Mr. Right. Throughout the better part of 2010, I tried pushing a square peg into a round hole, or better yet, I pushed a round peg into a square hole. See, with the latter, it may seem to “fit” but in reality there is still vacant space that has yet to be fulfilled. And why would someone want to continue on in a relationship where they have to wonder every day, “Is this the day I’ll finally fall for this guy?” Well, men are not mushrooms; they shouldn’t just ‘grow’ on you like a fungus! In my firm opinion, there should be an initial spark of attraction. This spark should draw you in and intrigue you enough to elicit some type of response—this is passion. If you don’t have it, and you enter into a relationship with trepidation, you are likely to fail! Point-blank period! The fear of that ticking biological clock should not be your sole decision maker! True love has to be worth at least an exercise in patience.

THE SECOND LESSON: BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO BUT DEAL BREAKERS ARE NECESSARY

In 2010, I’ve had to bid adieu to a couple of would-be relationships—the second more difficult than the first. Even though we were only dating and not “official” yet, I really was starting to open myself up to the idea of US. He is a great guy despite the fact he is not formally educated and already has a child. Both these situations were previously so-called deal-breakers that I broke more than I enforced. But when I finally learned the meaning of a true deal-breaker, I let him go. See, notwithstanding the fact we had lots of fun together and he always made me feel safe, when I learned that he had great doubts about ever getting married yet wanted more children, I knew that there was no further growth for US. When a man speaks like this you have to take him at face value. Though there is a slight chance he may someday change his mind, I know I won’t wake up 2 years later as baby momma wondering if he will ever commit. I heard him loud and clear—he was not the one. In the words of Omarosa, “I’m sorry but you cannot close this deal!”

THE THIRD LESSON: THOU SHALL NOT COVET THE SEEMINGLY PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS OF OTHERS

This is a biggie. As I entered into 2010, I would sit back and think of all the couples I knew and wondered what I was doing differently that caused me not to have a man like them. I compared my "serial bachelorette-ness" to my friends and acquaintances that seemed to have it all together, maintaining loving relationships for years, while I was lucky to even be on speaking terms with my guy after 6 months. But, as the tide changes, we learn that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. 2010 brought to light the demise of some of the very relationships that I thought were so rock solid, that I had many times wished to emulate with my guy. I have seen some of these people commit the most egregious acts against their partner—including blatant lies, disloyalty, and manipulation. Though all relationships are different the one consistent area is that people allow you to see only what they are comfortable with. Think about a time when you were going through it with your man; you tried to put up a strong united front, didn’t you? You only put the pictures up that showed you two laughing, smiling, and hugged up. Hell, even when you and your man finally called it quits, you probably didn’t change that status right away. Why? Because none of us want to fail in relationships and especially not for all to see! So my take away from this is, count your blessing. Everything happens for a reason and that reason is unique to you. If you are coveting someone else’s situation, be aware that you are wishing for the whole thing…the bad comes with the good. So, stay in your lane, keep your focus on you, and only desire to be a better woman for your very own Mr. Right!

And on an additional side note: Don’t let those in “the perfect couple” judge your single status. Sometimes, single folks have a tendency to be shut down when giving their opinion on love and made to feel embarrassed by the fact that they have yet another ex. Just because you are not in a couple doesn’t mean that you are fickle or can’t keep a man. Sometimes you should be congratulated for not sticking in a bad relationship just to prove a point. When dealing with the airs of the “perfect couple”, consider that quite often we single folks want to be them when all the while, they want to be free like us! Just a thought…

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

—The S. B.