So I have been hesitating to write this post because I wasn’t ready to deal with the reality that I am dating a man that has a big question mark over his head. He has a very young child and just a very short while ago, as in a little over year and a half ago, a man with any age child was a deal breaker. Even though I have opened myself up to the possibility of a future with a man that has kids, there are still a few nagging issues that are hard to shake.
The first issue that I battle with is the acknowledgement of the child’s mother. In the past when I have casually dated someone’s baby daddy, it didn’t sit well with me that my man was at another woman’s beck and call. Though, I understand that the child is the most important person in his life, rightfully so, there is just a sick feeling when you know that no matter the time of day or whatever plans you may have, if she calls he immediately responds and you can easily find yourself on the back burner. In all fairness, I have never had a run in with a child’s mother but that is mainly because I laid back and tried not to interfere no matter how inconvenienced I was. But there’s a sense of inferiority, so to speak, knowing that she has a bond with him I will never be able to match short of giving him a child as well. This has kept me from allowing myself to have a deep connection with a man that has a child.
Another concern of mine deals with the children themselves. I come from a small family where I am the youngest so I do not really have much experience with children. I like children but who knows if they actually like me. Also, I have this notion that most children do not like the mates of their parents because most children desire for their parents to be together—especially if they are used to mommy and daddy being together all the time before the split. When I was a child, I don’t remember disliking any of my dad’s girlfriends but I think that is because I was not really accustomed to them being together but I do remember always trying to get them back together when we were all together. I used to say, “Daddy! Go kiss Mommy!” and “Mommy! Daddy says you look pretty and he loves you!” This is what kids do, and every so often, it would work! My Daddy would plant a big kiss on my Mommy and I thought all was right with the world! Those moments were so precious and as an adult I tend to lean towards the preservation of the family. For example, if you recall the show All of Us where a recently divorced man, Robert, gets engaged to Tia and he's raising a 5 year old. His ex-wife, Niecy, is still in the picture, of course, which caused tension amongst the 3 of them. Well, I was always Team Niecy! I wanted to see him make it work with the mother of his child and I always felt she held the trump card over Tia who played second fiddle on many occasion. I do not want to be Tia, that position seems so disposable.
Lastly, my single girl’s selfishness, which I'm entitled to, also serves as a barrier to finding true love with a man that is already someone’s dad! Two things stand out when it comes to this; the first is that I’m single and only responsible for me, so I can come and go as I please. I want a man that can partake in that freedom with me. For instance, I’m not married to the idea of living in my current city for the rest of my life. The guy that I’m seeing is committed to staying here because he doesn’t want to be away from his daughter. Understandable, but it doesn’t necessarily fit into my plans, hopes, or dreams. My last situation also had a child and he told me that sometime in the near future he wants his son to live with him. I don’t know how I feel about raising other people’s kids. I know I should be willing to sacrifice for the man I love, loving his child as if he were my own, but I’m not in love right now, so this is a concept that single, sexy, and FREE me can’t quite fathom.
But, my biggest struggle of them all is that I can never be FIRST. I can live with not being the first to have his heart, but not being able to be the first to be his wife and give him a child, that really bothers me. I want him and me to experience parenthood together for the first time. To make those rookie mistakes together. For him to hold MY baby for the first time in his arms with that pride a father has when he realizes for the first time he’s finally a father. With men that already have witness the birthing of a baby and have already done the midnight runs for pickles and ice cream, I just feel like I lose a special connection there. Most men that I have talked to about this assure me that each experience is special and they will have the same pride whether it is their 1st or 6th, and I believe this to an extent but we all know, there is just something about your first time doing anything that is different, memorable, and supersedes all other times. I don’t want to be denied that moment.
So what is a girl to do at 29 years of age? It’s getting harder to find a man that has no attachments. So you adjust and overcome the challenges, right! You focus on how he treats you and what type of man and father he is, right? If he is a good one, why pass him up, right? We should all be so lucky to know good men that actually take care of their responsibilities, right? Well, that sounds good, but it is a struggle...I am trying...
Thank you for taking this journey with me!
—The S.B.
Glad you are back posting! I just had to stop thru and say I refuse to date a man with kids. I rather deal with men a little younger than to deal with a crying baby. I like your reasoning. Thanks for the topic.
ReplyDeleteI think this view is very selfish. How would you feel is a man discrimated against you for the same thing? I have 2 kids and thank goodness my BF doesn't feel like you do and I never cause baby mama drama. You need to be more open minded because you could be missing out on a good husband.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's selfish one bit. I think it's realistic. She won't ever be first...none of those first. It does work and it can work. It's called blended families, but it has the opportunity to be more work. Not that people who have had children prior or out of wedlock don't deserve to be just as happy as a person who comes along with no children.....
ReplyDeleteHowever that is a MAJOR reason I see clearer and clearer everyday why sex before marriage completely muddys things al the way up....It complicates thing soooooo much. No sex- clearer decision making...it's an easier break if that is not the one for you...(kids or no kids for that matter)
Final thought- Everyone deserves God's best for their life...SB..continue to take your time....you know what I mean...and it will be revealed in time wether you should stay or go ;)
Love it! Glad I stumbled across this! I feel the same exact way at 23!
ReplyDeleteSome people may not respect this post because it's REAL but this is YOUR journey and I can appreciate that. You literally wrote out my every thought on the subject. I can relate on all levels.
However, I have learned that that jealous feeling exists because of an insecurity you have within yourself and the lack of security you feel with the person you are dating. You are more than likely feeling as though there's still a big chance that he will go back to the mother of his child. Thats uncomfortable, of course, but when you happen to run into a guy who treats you right, makes you feel secure, assures you that his past is his past, and just so happens to be an amazing father to some other woman's child, your mind should be a lot more at ease.
Obviously, we cant do anything about being the "first" to give him a child but you can be the first in many other ways. You could give him his first boy, if he has a little girl... he could be involved in ways he never was able to with the previous pregnancy... the list goes on.
All in all, just keep doing what you're doing, nothing wrong with the way WE think, we have the right to our feelings. When he's worth it, you'll know!
:)