The Same Page

This weekend was pretty chill for me. I spent the majority of it with RedBox movies and re-runs of Sex and the City on DVD! The movie, She’s Out of My League and one episode of SATC in particular inspired me to write this. In the movie, there is this beautiful woman that just came out of a relationship with a gorgeous guy that was her “type”. He hurts her pretty bad and that led her to dating a guy that she wasn’t that attracted to because she thought she would have better luck with an average Joe. In, the SATC episode, a friend of the girls was getting married to a guy that she once compared to watching paint dry. When the girls saw her at the wedding she whispered to them that you should always marry a man that loves your more than you love him. I started thinking, is this what I’ve been doing in my dating life? Am I purposely pursuing the average safe guy? If yes, why?

Sidebar: This is why I love blogging! It if forces me to be introspective! Even though it is tough most times, it really is enlightening.

While sitting back and reflecting on my single state, I realized that almost every man that I have dated since 2005 has liked me way more than I liked him. The few exceptions have been quite opposite, where I have been all giggly and starry eyed while they have been very indifferent! In that time I’ve had 2 serious relationships—one lasted almost two years and the other, we damn near lived together for about 7 months. The 2 year guy was a great person. He cared about me, did his best to care for me, and he respected me. The live-in boyfriend guy was the same way. Both of them had their issues, some major—who doesn’t—but they were good men, the type that parents dream their daughters would marry. And even though I was a devoted girlfriend that they could and would brag about to their friends, there still was no love connection—no passion, no FIRE—but nice and safe!

I had to confront myself on this issue of not choosing men that give me that "feeling". And as tough as it is to admit to myself, I have no other choice than to concede that it is undoubtedly a defense mechanism. I was subconsciously doing exactly what the ladies on film were doing—playing it safe, resisting all temptations to go “all in”!

In my lifetime, I can only think of 2.5 men that I was completely “sold out”, head over heels, for and all of them ended poorly. One was my high school sweetheart, the other was my dissipated soul mate in college, and the last was my first adult relationship with an older man. Each of has taught me so much about myself but they also left me with a skeptical outlook on relationships and the belief that being in love is overrated and/or impossible. My high school boyfriend dumped me before prom because he was battling with the aliens in his closet. (Yes aliens! He thought they were after him but that is a story for another time) My college soul mate was in flux when his now wife came back in the picture to reclaim him right in the middle of our love thing, so I laid low and lost. (His current state of marital misery doesn’t alleviate the sting) And my first, grown woman relationship was with an older man who told me so many lies that I, to this day, don’t really know how old he is or how many kids he actually has. (I count him as a half because of the lies) So, as you can see, I have a very limited experience with that sensation that makes you feel like nothing else matters when you are in his presence. To me, that feeling is what urban myths are made of.

Yet, when I conceptualize that “feeling”, it is exactly what I want! As I have written several times before, I just want to stop pretending. I am too old for the game playing. Seriously entertaining someone that is not what you ultimately want is a game for fools. I’ve wasted so much time playing make-believe—trying to create a Prince out of Frog. No matter how delightful the frog, he is still but a frog! At this point in my development, I just want to be on the same page with someone. Unfortunately, the chase can be fun but that gets old real quick. I just want someone that is loving me at the same time I am loving them and with the same intensity. I am looking to be equally yoked with someone beyond just the same level of education or similar incomes. I want us to enjoy spending time together and sharing common interest while still complimenting each other’s diversity. As the quote by Shinichi Suzuki goes…"when love is deep, much can be accomplished." All attempts made to maintain an imbalanced relationship is a huge waste and unhealthy. Instead, I want my man and me to spend that time conquering the world, if you will.

But now the question becomes, how do you know when you and your partner have reached that equilibrium? Especially when there are countless people out there, like me, the girl in She’s Out of My League, and the new wife in SATC, that will fake it until they make it. Some people will do anything to avoid their biggest fear of being hurt by the one they loved MORE.

In the movie she ended up actually falling in love with the Joe…but it was just that—a movie! However, I believe I can have my happy ending too! I just have to get out of my own way and turn the page!

Thank you for taking this journey with me!

The S.B.