The Rules of Disengagement

When you divorce the law is there to provide you with guidelines and provisions. They tell you who gets what. What interactions should and should not occur between parties, especially in cases where a third party is involved i.e. children. In high profile divorces, the court can even tell you what you can and cannot discuss following the split. There are people getting in trouble right now for tweeting against the law!

But what happens when there is just a mere break up? Who gets what in these instances? I have come up with some diplomatic, civil, and fair practices to prevent a break-up from becoming even messier than it already is!

Each Parties Rights and Responsibilities are as follows:

#1. Each party is entitled to soley keep the friends that they came into the relationship with, in the event of a break-up (no joint custody).

A. This is especially prominent when one party has only met the friends of their ex a handful of times and is only associated via the Ex.

B. All connections should be terminated unless said party’s relationship with ex friends was clearly established before the break-up (this is subject to the burden of proof)

i. This termination should include idle FB chitchat, attempting to make arrangements to hang out with said friends, and all other strange behavior in an attempt to stay connected with Ex via their friends. Bottom line: If you don’t even speak to your Ex, what makes you think it’s appropriate for you to consort with the friends minus the Ex; especially if the Ex is your one and only lifeline to said friends!

#2. All personal items should be removed from other party’s residence. These items should be returned in good working condition.

A. The party that left the items at the other’s house has the responsibility of making arrangements to retrieve those items.

B. Like many establishments there is a set time for retrieval or items will be discarded (may I suggest 2 weeks)

C. Please note: Retrieval should happen at the other party’s convenience since “forgetful” party no longer has the right to just show up at the Ex’s residence whenever they see fit.

#3. All debts and monies owed should be squared within 2 weeks unless otherwise agreed upon.

A. Why hold on to these debts longer than that? The debtor must ask oneself, Am I drawing this out just to have a reason to contact or see the other person again?

B. Each party should themselves of financial ties because waiting for money will always breed contempt. (In my experience, I prefer to be paid in cash, money order, or certified check!)

#4. There shall be No forlorn, wayward, or indirectly direct FB posts following the split.

A. Neither party is fooling anyone with innuendo. All third parties know what those types of statuses mean and since the splitting couple has been pictured, tagged, and linked together for the duration of the relationship, everyone knows who is being talked about!

B. Please respect the terms of the break-up by keeping it as low key as possible. A low profile will benefit both parties in the long run.

#5. Each party is expected to discretely remove all FB pictures of the two together.

A. There is no need to make an announcement to the masses about this act.

B. There is no need to use Photoshop and put a big red ex through the Ex’s face. The crop feature will work just fine in this instance, use it.

C. The end result will work out in both parties’ favor, cutting down on the, “who is that” question when either party is being FB investigated by a new prospect.

#6. There will be absolutely NO canoodling allowed.

A. The parties cannot, and I repeat CANNOT, create a Friends with Benefits situation with their Ex. Reasons:

i. It is highly unlikely that the two are actually real friends
ii. There is NO real benefit to be had.

B. Canoodling only blurs the lines, especially if one party begins seeing someone new.

C. If one party is hoping to get back together—fine! But do it the right way. One should look at a break-up as the extinguishing of the original relationship contract because— guess what—it did NOT work! The parties should start anew and revisit the place where canoodling was the anticipation!

The idea here is to leave with what you came in with—putting you back in the position you would have been in if you never met the other person at all! That works for me!

Thank you for taking the journey with me!

—The S.B.

***PS: This one is for you ZEN! You didn’t want to reveal your sources but I already knew! ;)